hellos:))

2009-12-31T00:47:00.001+08:00

another day had just passed.practically the same shit on a different day.are we born to this world to face more problems or what? lol life is full of shit. everytime when you solve a problem another will arise.there's no end to problems and no end to misery.it's stupid; I have no other better word to describe life but it's just stupid. leaders and politicians of the way always stress on the importance of equality between their nation or organisations etc but the fact that there will never be equality in this world. the rich will still be rich and the poor still poor.nothing ever changes.does it? lol. I'm so sick and tired of seeing people that don't derserve a good life cause they never did anything to achieve what they have today and they act like they deserve it with their own effort.the world is never fair.the good will never beget good and the bad will never beget bad.it's just life.well well what to do? I'm not being a pessimist but I'm being a realist.it's just the harsh facts of life.some people struggle and work so hard but get a measly pay or their superiors have the mentality 'oh this is what you have to do so I won't actually appreciate it'. it's stupid, the whole system of meritocracy. this systems works only in the past and will happen this era. work and and you will reap what you sow? eat my shit man.

2009-12-23T01:59:00.002+08:00

哪裡有彩虹告訴我
能不能把我的願望還給我
為什麼天這麼安靜
所有的雲都跑到我這裡
有沒有口罩一個給我
釋懷說了太多就成真不了
也許時間是一種解藥; 也是我現在正服下的毒藥
看不見你的笑我怎麼睡得著
你的聲音這麼近我卻抱不到
沒有地球太陽還是會繞
沒有理由我也能自己走
你要離開我知道很簡單
你說依賴是我們的阻礙
就算放開但能不能別沒收我的愛
當作我最後才明白

如果能讓我重新再來一次; 我希望我不曾出現在你的生命裡

2009-12-20T01:44:00.000+08:00

a few questions that I need to know
how you could ever hurt me so
i need to know what I've done wrong
and how long it's been going on
was it that i never paid enough attention
or did I not give enough affection
not only will your answers keep me sane
but I'll know never to make the same mistake again
you can tell me to my face
or even on the phone,
you can write it in a letter
either way I have to know
did I never treat you right
did I always start the fight
either way I'm going out of my mind
all the answers to my questions I have to find

my head's spinning
girl I'm in a daze
i feel isolated
don't wanna communicate
i take a shower
i will scour; i will run
find peace of mind
the happy mind; i once owned, yeah
flexing vocabulary runs right through me
the alphabet runs right from A to Z
conversations, hesitations in my mind
you got my conscience asking questions that I can't find
i'm not crazy
i'm sure I ain't done nothing wrong, no
i'm just waiting,
cause I heard that this feeling won't last that long

never ever have I ever felt so low
when you gonna take me out of this black hole
never ever have I ever felt so sad
the way I'm feeling yeah you got me feeling really bad
never ever have I had to find
i've had to dig away to find my own peace of mind
i've never ever had my conscience to fight
the way I'm feeling yeah it just don't feel right

i'll keep searching
deep within my soul
for all the answers
don't wanna hurt no more
i need peace gotta feel at ease
need to be free from pain
going insane
my heart aches yeah

you can tell me to my face
or even on the phone
you can write it in a letter babe
cause I really need to know



never ever; never ever.

2009-12-10T01:01:00.002+08:00

This whole subject is incredibly complex, possibly the most complex of all processes performed by the human body and it starts in the womb; It has been shown that flavours can be passed from mother to baby through the amniotic fluid as early as 11 weeks (six months before birth); By the time that we are born into the world, we have already experienced many of the flavours from our mothers diet.
The process of taste aroma and flavour perception is being researched around the world. Knowledge gained from this research has far-reaching implications, be it detecting disease by smell or re-kindling the faded palate of an elderly person.
Eating is a multi-modal process (involving all the senses). Any comments concerning food being just about taste are misguided. Try drinking a fine wine from a polystyrene cup or eating a beautifully cooked piece of fish off a paper plate with a plastic knife and fork, it is not the same.
Both physiological and psychological factors come into play and in many cases, they cannot be separated. Take-for example- a fine wine drunk from a polystyrene cup; the shape of the cup will affect the perceived smell and flavour of the wine (physiological) and the material will affect the feel of the cup in the hand and on the lips (psychological).Taste is one of the six senses (some say we have more), the others being touch, sound, sight, smell and proprioception, (the sense of "ourselves") our bodies own on-board computer.
The sense of taste can then be broken down into five basic categories. All of which happen in the mouth and nowhere else. These categories are salt, sweet, sour, bitter and Umami (the most recently identified taste named by Ikeda in Japan in 1908). There is a current theory that fat is actually a taste but this has yet to be proved.
We have up to 10,000 taste buds on the tongue and in the mouth. These regenerate so that the receptors that we use today will not be the same as were used a couple of days ago. Although different parts of the tongue can register different tastes, the classic drawing of the tongue showing it divided into different sections for the four different tastes (there were only four known at the time of this 19th century illustration) is totally wrong.
The aroma-or what we sometimes call flavour-is registered in the olfactory epithelium situated between the eyes at the front of the brain. It contains hundreds of receptors that register aroma molecules contained in everything that we eat and smell.
There is a simple but effective and enjoyable way of demonstrating what most of us don't realise; Smell and taste-are registered in different parts of the head. Have ready some table salt and biscuits, fruit or in fact, anything easy to eat. Squeeze your nostrils tightly enough to prevent breathing through them but obviously not too tight to hurt. Take a good bite of biscuit or fruit and start chomping, making sure that the nostrils remain clenched.
You will notice that it is impossible to perceive the flavour or aroma of the food being eaten.
Now, with nostrils still squeezed and food still in the mouth, lick some salt. Although it was impossible to detect the flavour of the food that was being eaten with clenched nostrils, the taste of the salt is unhindered.
Finally, let go of your nostrils and notice the flavour of the food come rushing into your headspace.
When we eat, taste buds on our tongue and in our mouths pick up only taste but no flavour. The molecules in food that provide flavour (known as odour or aroma molecules) pass up into the olfactory bulb where the flavour of the food is registered.
When the nostrils are squeezed however, the air supply passing through the olfactory bulb is cut off, preventing us from registering flavour.
As if this wasn’t enough, the brain has to process information given to it by the other senses and sometimes, things can be not quite what they seem.
Here are just a few examples of the senses influence on determining what we taste and our emotional response to it.

1) A few years ago at a Sommelier school in France, trainee wine waiters were put through a routine wine tasting until-unknown to them- a white wine that they had just tasted had been dyed red with a non flavoured food dye and brought back out to taste and evaluate. Something very interesting happened. They all made notes on the assumption that the wine was what it looked like; red. In this case, the eyes totally influenced flavour perception.

2) True or false; chewing gum loses its flavour after a certain period of time? True, but not as quickly as we might think. Basically, what happens is that when we chew, the sweetening agent in the gum gradually dissolves in the mouth and is then swallowed, reducing its sweetness. We grow up with the association of menthol and mint with sweet taste every day when we brush our teeth.
The brain tracks the sweetness and as this reduces so too does the perception of the mint and menthol flavours. In reality however, it has been proven that these aromas are still in our headspace for several hours.

Another example of this is to make a cup of coffee with one ground bean; it will be most insipid. Now take the coffee bean whole and pop it into your mouth. Crunch it several times and then knock back the cup of water. The same amount of coffee and water when served like this will provide a far greater burst of coffee that will last in the mouth.
In fact, it is this principle that was the catalyst for the much publicised bacon and egg ice cream. The idea with this dessert was not to create a dessert that was based on breakfast but to play with the whole concept of encapsulation.
Eggs thicken ice cream custard because the proteins in the egg coil up and thicken the mix when subjected to heat. Like the coffee bean, the coiled up proteins are now in an encapsulated form and can have a tendency to make the resulting ice cream taste of egg by supplying bursts of egg flavour.

3) only two types of odour are intrinsically repellent and although I don't think that it is appropriate to talk about these in a food guide, many smells that we think would be repulsive can actually be perceived as being pleasurable if their context is changed. For example, the smell of old socks has been shown to be pleasurable when introduced as Parmesan cheese!
Context is so important. What about a wonderful bottle of chilled Muscadet, sipped by the banks of the Loire on holiday in sunny France, tucking into a platter of plump fresh oysters? The same wine brought back to England just doesn’t taste the same.
Context can be created by the most simple of things. The description of a dish on its own can create all sorts of problems and indeed.
The dish was a crab risotto served with crab ice cream. Described as crab ice cream, this dish presented a barrier to the diner. Let’s face it; ice cream has to be sweet doesn’t it? Well, no, it doesn’t and indeed didn’t used to be. Savoury ices were popular in Victorian times but have long since fallen out of fashion. The same ice cream however, described as frozen crab bisque, presented no barrier, as the term ice cream had been removed.

4)Sound can also play an important role in the perception of texture-a valuable part of the whole taste process. The perception of the crispness of a food can be modified by playing with volume and pitch.
In a test carried out by an experimental psychologist at Oxford University. Crisps from the same packet, eaten with the sound of the testers own crunch being fed back to them in real time changed when the volume or pitch were altered.

Whilst it is not possible to create a crunchy banana, a less than crunchy apple can be made to be crunchier and even perceptively fresher by modifying the sound of the crunch, listened to in real time and popping candy? When listening to the amplified, pitch modified sound of popping candy running riot in the mouth, one cannot help grinning like a Cheshire cat!

5) Our likes and dislikes are forged by memories. I use this word loosely as we could say that we also have a genetic memory.
For example, we are designed to like fat. It is the learned association of fat with poor health and obesity that prevents us, or rather some of us from liking fatty foods.
The senses act as warning systems, taste being the last of the sensory barriers and bitterness, the last of the taste barriers. It can prevent us from eating foods that could be harmful and although we might be genetically pre-disposed to liking or needing certain tastes, it appears that we have the ability to be able to modify these wants or needs. For example, we grow to like bitter foods; tea, coffee and beer are generally not acceptable until we reach a certain age.

Smell is the most powerful memory trigger of all of the senses but we differ so greatly in what smells hit the right or wrong notes. As well as our own emotions differing greatly from person to person, we all live in our own sensory world. I know that this might seem a little spiritual but we do see, hear and smell things differently.
It was-up until quite recently-considered that we had around three hundred receptors that between them were responsible for registering all aroma molecules on earth. It is now thought that we have some four hundred but only use about three hundred of them. We do not all use the same receptors and therefore register flavour molecules differently. Two people tasting the same banana will not necessarily register the same flavour. The same goes for sight and sound.
As if this whole process was not complicated enough, the olfactory system is ipsilateral; that is to say the left side sends signals to the left side of the brain and right to the right. So what relevance does this have to the way that we perceive flavour? Well, the answer is quite a bit actually. The left side of the brain controls speech and the right side controls emotion. It was and in some cases still is thought that flavours presented to the left nostril would be easier to identify and describe whilst flavours presented to the right could elicit a more emotional response.
Whilst this argument does seem to have some evidence to support it, it is by no means conclusive.
What seems to be far more relevant however is the fact that air does not flow through each nostril at the same volume. This asymmetrical difference changes every few hours. Have you ever noticed that when our nose is blocked, it seems to be more blocked in one nostril that the other?
The whole process of flavour perception is multi-sensory. We all have our own perception of life. Not only do we see, hear and taste differently but we have our own, individual personal experiences, emotion and memory. As long as this continues, the world of eating will be a very exciting place

At first, i thought cooking is just really cooking. Nothing more nor less. I first decided to go into this line is not really because i had the passion for cooking; it was more like i had no choice and i chose this line. I first started out with no goals and just try to slack my way through. Thinking that the job of being a 'Chef' was needed everywhere. Yes, that may be right but to a certain extend. Being a Chef and a good chef it's two different things. To be a good chef you have to understand your ingredient, your equipment; your worksmanship; and most importantly yourself. You need to have a cool head and hunger. A cool head cause you can't work with anger; cause with anger you would only produce rubbish. The hunger for learning because there is no end to learning in this line. I need this hunger and i need it real bad.

It was time that i realised this was going to be my career. It is no more a past-time or a back i plan. I have to do more than what i am doing; i have to push myself. Pushing myself ain't going to be an easy thing to do; it requires the physical strength and most importantly the mental strength. this whole passage has really inspired me to put my so-called 'passion' into cooking. Cooking ain't just cooking anymore. it involves a whole lot of things. So many things about cooking i don't know and so many thing i've gotta learn. It's gonna take a long time; a really long time for me to get to a stage where i dare stand in front of a mirror and call myself 'Chef'. For now i will pursue and give it my all in this line.

Ciao.

2009-11-06T01:46:00.002+08:00

i've been alone with you inside my mind.
i long to see the sunlight in your hair
and tell you time and time again how much I care
sometimes i feel my heart will overflow
hello, I've just got to let you know
'cause I wonder where you are
and I wonder what you do
are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you?
tell me how to win your heart
for I haven't got a clue
but let me start by saying, i love you.

you say hello, inside i'm screaming i love you
you say goodnight, in my mind i'm sleeping next to you.
you drive away from my car crash of a heart
and i don't know
you talk to him, and it burns me like the sun
you talk to her, and you say that you feel like he's the one
i talk to me, but you can't hear the pain I feel
you don't know.
don't turn around and say bye again
yeah, it crushes my head when you call me your friend
and i'm not the same person from back in the day
no, i can't find the words 'cause I lost them the minute
they fell out my mouth and it's love and I'm in it
and let's get messed up and listen to probably
the best mixtape I have
And even all the bad songs ain't so bad
i just wish there was so much more than that
about me and you

2009-10-25T02:33:00.002+08:00

on a cobweb afternoon 
in a room full of emptiness 
by a freeway I confess 
i was lost in the pages
of a book full of death
reading how we'll die alone
and if we're good we'll lay to rest
anywhere we want to go
and on my death bed I will pray
to the gods and the angels
like a pagan to anyone who will take me to heaven
to a place I recall
i was there so long ago
the sky was bruised
the wine was bled
and there you led me on
and on I read
till the day was gone
and I sat in regret
for all the things i've done
for all that i've blessed
and all that i've wronged
in dreams until my death
i will wander on
in your house I long to be
room by room; patiently
i'll wait for you there; like a stone
i'll wait for you there, alone; alone.
i could never see tomorrow
but i was never told about the sorrow
and how can you mend a broken heart?
how can you stop the rain from falling down?
how can you stop the sun from shining?
what makes the world go round?
how can you mend this broken man?
how can a loser ever win?
please help me mend my broken heart
and let me live again
i can still feel the breeze
that rustles through the trees
and misty memories of days gone by
we could never see tomorrow
no one said a word about the sorrow




when you go;would you even turn to say "I don't love you;like i did yesterday"

2009-10-01T02:40:00.002+08:00

i'm like chasing dreams i can never catch

the worst mistake anyone can make is being too afraid to make one

you can never lose, what you never had

the day you slipped away, was the day i thought we would never be the same

cause i was an option, never a priority

i lost everything 'cause of you; yet you lost nothing cause of me.

you know that i love u so, but i love you enough to let you go

cause he's everything, everything i'm not

who do you want to forget, who forgot you long ago?

alive; but not living. dead; but not departed

2009-09-03T02:25:00.002+08:00

my love,晚安就别再为难
别管我会受伤
想开体谅我已经习惯
不然又能怎样?

这个城市太会说谎爱情只是昂贵的橱窗
沿路华丽灿烂陈列甜美幻象
谁当真谁就上当

竟然以为你会不一样但凭什么你要不一样
因为寂寞太冷虚构出的温暖
没理由能撑到天亮

前进转弯我跌跌撞撞
在这迷宫打转
死心失望会比较简单
却又心有不甘

这个城市太会伪装爱情就像霓虹灯一样
谁离开之后却把灯忘了关让梦作得太辉煌

以为能够留你在身旁但是谁肯留在谁身旁
一首情歌都比一个亲吻更长
这就叫做好聚好散

别说你对我感到愧疚别说你会永远想念我
我很知道孤单这条路怎么走
请你不要安慰我

my love,晚安别放在心上
我只受了点伤
只是受了点伤

2009-08-18T10:54:00.000+08:00

seems like it was yesterday
when i saw your face
you told me how proud you were,
but i walked away
if only i knew what i know today
i would hold you in my arms
i would take the pain away
thank you for all you've done
forgive all your mistakes
there's nothing i wouldn't do
to hear your voice again
sometimes i wanna call you
but i know you won't be there
some days i feel broke inside
but i won't admit
sometimes I just wanna hide
cause it's you I miss
and it's so hard to say goodbye
when it comes to this
would you tell me I was wrong?
would you help me understand?
are you looking down upon me?
are you proud of who I am?
there's nothing I wouldn't do
to have just one more chance
to look into your eyes
and see you looking back
i'm sorry for blaming you
for everything i just couldn't do
if i had just one more day
i would tell you how much that i've missed you
since you've been away
it's so out of line
to try and turn back time
i'm sorry for blaming you
for everything i just couldn't do
and i've hurt myself..
by hurting you

2009-08-18T04:05:00.000+08:00

i can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
that don’t bother me
i can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
i’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
even though going on with you gone still upsets me
there are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
but that’s not what gets me
it’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
but i'm doin’ It
it’s hard to force that smile when i see our old friends and i’m alone
still harder
getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret
but i know if i could do it over
i would trade give away all the words that i saved in my heart
that i left unspoken
what hurts the most
is being so close
and having so much to say
and watching you walk away
and never knowing
what could have been
and not seeing that loving you
is what i was trying to do

2009-08-17T02:41:00.000+08:00

you can't manufacture a miracle
the silence was pitiful - that day
and love is getting too cynical
passion's just physical - these days
you analyse everyone you meet
but get no sign - the loving kind
every night you admit defeat
and cry yourself blind
the DJ said on the radio
life should be stereo - each day
and the past that cast the unsuitable
instead of some kind of beautiful
you just couldn't wait
all your friends think you're satisfied
but they can't see your soul, no, no, no
forgot the time feeling petrified
when they lived alone
all your friends think you're satisfied
but they can't see your soul, no, no; no
forgot the time feeling petrified
when they lived alone
if you can't wake up in the morning
cause your bed lies vacant at night
If you're lost, hurt, tired or lonely
Can't control it - try as you might
May you find that love that won't leave you
May you find it by the end of the day
You won't be lost, hurt, tired and lonely
something beautiful will come your way

2009-08-16T01:45:00.000+08:00

come and hold my hand
i wanna contact the living
not sure I understand
this role I've been given
i sit and talk to God
and he just laughs at my plans
my head speaks a language
i don't understand
i don't want to die
but I ain't keen on living either
before I fall in love
i'm preparing to leave her
i scare myself to death
that's why i keep on running
before i've arrived
i can see myself coming
i just want to feel real love
feel the home that I live in
cause i got too much life
running through my veins
going to waste
and i need to feel real love
and a life ever after
i cannot give it up
Come and hold my hand
I want to contact the living
not sure I understand
This role I've been given
not sure I understand
i just wanna feel real love
In a life ever after
there's a hole in my soul
you can see it in my face
it's a real big place

2009-08-11T02:38:00.000+08:00

我知道这样不好
也知道你的爱只能那么少
我只有不停地要要到你想逃
泪湿的枕头晒干就好
眼泪在你的心里只是无力拒纳
因为在你身后是我一辈子的骄傲
我不要你的呵護
只要你好好久久爱我一遍
就算虚荣也好贪心也好
哪一个人对爱不自私不奢望
我不要你的承诺不要你的永远
只要你真真切切爱我一遍
就算虚荣也好贪心也好
最怕你把沉默当作对我的回答
原來你什麼都不要.

you were the only face I'd ever known
i was the light from the lamp on the floor
and only as bright as you wanted me to be
but, I am no gentleman, I can be a prick
and I do regret more than I admit
you have been followed back to the same place
it was the only place I'd never known
turned off the light on my way out the door
i will be watching wherever you go
through the eyes of a fly on the wall
you have been followed back to the same place
i sat with you drink for drink
take the pain out of love and then love won't exist
everything we had; is no longer there.
take a bow, the night is over
this masquerade is getting older
lights are low, the curtain's down
there's no one here
say your lines, but do you feel them?
do you mean what you say
when there's no one around?
watching you, watching me; one lonely star
i've always been in love with you
i guess you've always known it's true
you took my love for granted
why oh why?
the show is over say goodbye
make them laugh, it comes so easy
when you get to the part
where your breaking my heart
hide behind your smile
all the world loves a clown
wish you well, I cannot stay
you deserve an award for the role that you play
no more masquerade
you're one lonely star
all the world is a stage
and everyone has their part
but how was I to know which way the story would go?
how was I to know you'd break you'd break my heart?
don't fight the feeling relax
oh child the knots are in your back
cause you've been holding on
i can only feel you when you're reaching out
i'll talk you through memories
just keep breathing with me
it's time to hold my hand
and walk into the revolution
when there's no-one to touch
and you've been thinking too much
you only hurt yourself when it's all about ;retribution
i see the pain in your face
and you're paying rent for the space
it's time to lead you on come on into the revolution
when you can't keep on keeping on
and everything you lean upon is all but gone
everybody falls sometimes but love shines on
with love in your eyes and a flame in your heart
gonna find yourself some resolution
a million miles with one step
and you'll find yourself yet
when you're walking with the revolution
love lingers on you're just feeling it wrong
i know you're tired but when it's time to sleep
you're gone forever
make friends with your past
then you can leave it at last
it's time to find yourself in your revolution
time and tide's on your side
there's no need to hide
i feel your pain
don't talk to me about evolution
a million miles with one stare
and you'll find yourself there
when i'm walking with the revolution

give me one reason to stay here; and i'll turn my back around

2009-08-07T01:40:00.000+08:00

only, almost here.

it's been a long time. really long time

did I hear you right? 
cause i thought you said, 
Lets think it over. 
you have been my life, 
and i never planned, 
growing old without you. 
shadows bleeding through the light, 
where the love once shined so bright, 
came without a reason. 
don't let go on us tonight, 
love's not always black and white, 
why haven't i always loved you? 
and when I need you 
you're almost here 
and i know that's, not enough. 
and when I'm with you, 
i'm close to tears, 
cause you're only almost here. 
i would change the world, 
if i had a chance, 
oh won't you let me. 
treat me like a child, 
throw your arms around me, 
oh please protect me. 
bruised and battered by your words, 
dazed and shattered now it hurts. 
oh haven't I always loved you?

i don't know why, i don't know how
my mind is filled with you.
i miss you and i really do
my heart tells me to talk to you;
but my mind tells me not to.
&& i love wmej

only, almost; here.

2009-07-04T22:52:00.004+08:00

3 more days !

and it's kinda dumb when someone tries to match-make you with a stranger. not once, not twice, not thrice but like 5 times. lol you can slowly try and never succeed cause i vowed never ever again i would try get into a relationship. after all i tried my best, giving my all and all i got was probably shit for nothing. hahah. so thank you and good bye.

sometimes i wonder how you do it.
how can you sit back and watch yourself hurt someone so bad and not feel any guilt.
you say things to me, about me, or behind me.
and you still look at me the same way.
with those eyes searching for the answers inside me.
you want to know everything.
you want to know how i feel
and if i am truly hurting inside.
you just have to ask.
and i’ll tell you.
i’ll tell you that you were the one who i gave my all for.
you were the one who took my heart and locked it.
and in the end,
you took that heart and you shredded it to pieces.
you could have just ripped it in half.
then it would be easier to put back together.
but instead,
you tore it.
piece by piece you shredded it.
and no one can fix it.
i am now just an empty void.
there is no desire to want to love again.
because now there is only the fear of ruining
what i have tried so hard to build up
no stupid love song can describe how i feel
sometimes the words other people say
are never good enough or real
no one will ever know how i'm feeling today
i put my hopes up way too high
i thought you'd feel the same way
now all i need to not do is cry
because tears won't take the pain away
for a moment i thought you knew
for a moment i thought you cared
for a moment i thought you meant "I love you"
for a moment i thought you appreciated the love we shared
what do you know anyway?
you're just a girl
have your fun today
and tomorrow make me cry
i'll fake my smile
i'll say i'm okay
i'll be happy for a while
and be dead inside
i kept on calling you sweet
little did I know
your love is the one thing i can't beat
i just can't seem to let you go
you make me feel like such a fool
i don’t want to love you
why did love have to be so cruel
why is there nothing that i can do
love can sometimes be great
that's something i cannot deny
but when it turns into hate
she won't be just "another girl"
she'll be the girl that broke you into pieces
she'll be the girl that made you a mess
she'll be the love that slowly ceases
after you finally confess
listening to that song
makes me feel like the stupidest guy alive
it made me realise that what i felt was wrong
because i won't get you no matter how much i strive

love is dead, wait; it was never there.

2009-06-22T02:08:00.004+08:00

not once did he expect this to happen.
never in his wildest dream that he have fallen,
to a girl who wasn’t his princess charming
it must been your sweetness that melt his heart
or your gentle smile could be the start.
whatever the reason for him to feel this way
one thing he knows, this strange feeling grows stronger everyday
every now and then he wakes up dreaming
that he can be your guy, not just a friend
then reality broke him into pieces
it wounded him bad as it came to his senses.
that you belong to someone else
and he's left alone with all this heartaches
a few might have a clue
a few knows the pain he had been through
they can’t guess the sleepless nights.
his friends see him smiling and laughing
yet deep inside there’s no place for denying.
he knows he have to surrender and let go
at least to cease and ease the misery
sleepless nights; a tormented mind.
full of broken thoughts; he cannot repair
beneath th stains of time; th feeling disappears
it was all too sudden; he thought a miracle would happen
but he was to blame for falling for you
what this boy can give you was his heart
probably that was enough for you
feelings fully devoted; then painfully rejected
did he not even deserve a chance
perhaps you treated him like a fool

sweetest addiction; countless contradictions.

angels fall from th sky; stitched-face as they fall into their graves.

2009-06-05T20:53:00.002+08:00

your fingertips across my skin
the palm trees swaying in the wind 
images
The sweetest sadness in your eyes 
clever trick
i'd never want to see you unhappy 
i thought you'd want the same for me 
goodbye my almost lover 
goodbye my hopeless dream 
i'm trying not to think about you 
can't you just let me be
so long my luckless romance 
my back is turned on you 
i should have known you'd bring me heartache
almost lovers always do 
i cannot go to the ocean 
i cannot walk the streets at night 
i cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind
so you're gone and i'm haunted 
and i'll bet you are just fine
did i make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?




it's hard holding you, loving you; losing you.

2009-06-01T21:44:00.002+08:00

it's funny when you find yourself looking from the outside.
i'm standing here but all i want is to be over there.
why did i let myself believe miracles could happen.
because now i have to pretend that i don't really care.
i thought you were my fairytale, a dream when i'm not sleeping.
a wish upon a star that's coming true.
but everybody else could tell, that i confused my feelings with the truth.
now i know you're not a fairytale and dreams were meant for sleeping.
and wishes on a star just don't come true.
because now even i can tell that i confused my feelings with the truth.
because i liked the view, when there was me and you.
i can't believe that i could be so blind.
it's like you were floating while i was falling and i didn't mind.
because i liked the view.
i thought you felt it too.
when there was me and you.



people; will always make a lover feel a fool.

2009-05-30T05:10:00.004+08:00

woah. it's been almost a month since i last posted. i guess i've been going too much at night or dotaing too much. i canceled my contract with ca california and i'm heading to halia restaurant ! well it's been quite a long wait to the start of my attachment as ca dragged our time in a very ridiculous way, most of my peers have already gotten their 2nd paycheck and here am i still at home slacking; thus i can't tolerate anymore so both desmond and i decided to head to halia restaurant since they were able to let us start work immediately and they are paying us at a better rate. 2 days 1 night more to enjoy my long break before i sell myself to this attachment.

feeling so desperately alone
i discover myself wandering around a strange new place.
i look behind me, hoping to see a familiar face,
and then stare straight ahead, only to find nothing but darkness.
i try to move further on, but i stumble and fall.
stuck, unable to stand, i rest upon the stone-cold ground
and listen for a soothing, heavenly sound.
hearing none, i raise my hands to my tear-stained eyes,
and cover them to see an even greater fear.
i picture the darkness swallowing the ones i love so dear.
forever gone, i will always be alone with the company of only a wall.
snapping out of the nightmare, i quickly open my eyes.
now I can see a bright light before me,
beckoning me to come closer to reveal what i can possibly be
in the future, leaving the past behind.
i feel so much like a prisoner, just released after being confined,
that the outside world, i will always now despise.
anger and fear increased over the years of solemn imprisonment,
from the time of childhood to adolescence.
i could see my hope slowly reaching its final evanescence,
but i held on and still am, after much advisement.
i have finally realized that in the end, i will still feel alone,
just as in a vast ocean, teeming with the living and lifeless, alone feels a stone.

i've been traveling on this road too long
just trying to find my way back home
the old me is dead and gone; dead and gone.

2009-05-06T13:34:00.004+08:00

at the blink of an eye, i've slacked for a month. many of my peers have already gotten their first paycheck but here am i still at home and have not even started my job. this one month was a month of months. thinking through almost everything; everyday. luckily th past month have been fun to go through with mr wee and th dota crew. well i gotta enjoy the short few days that i'm left with.

trapped in an asylum of my very mind
with no more than unanswerable thoughts,
i ponder deeply as my mind rots,
yearning for the solution that i cannot find.
pity, i cannot inquire behind
nor to the greatest of all enlightened despots,
who can untie the toughest knots,
alas! within myself I remain lined.
to take my life, death is here.
psychologically, i have already died.
he calls me to him as I stare,
i stepped forward, thinking the good side,
that i’d be relieved form this eternal nightmare.
peering through the drape
of my synthetic cell,
how i long to escape
this manufactured hell.
like a bruised, little bird
too confused to fly,
i’m trapped, in a word,
so confined am i.
a captive, collared lion
alone in its pen,
i’m pacing and dying
in a man-made den.
for an eagle was not meant
to be locked in a cage,
its life to be spent
like a picture on a page.
and when a mighty lion,
in truth, is but a cat,
it will spend its time trying
to be greater than that.

For you: ltk,j

scars remind me that my past was real,
like the sight of you and the scent of beer.
i’ll never hate anything more:
you are everything that i abhor.
these scars remind of the truth
what was god thinking when he made me from you?
my sons will never suffer this fate,
i’ll never become this thing i hate.
the scars remind me of where i’m from
and of the thing i’ll never become

don't be trapped into an illusion that you have time for; because you don't.

2009-05-01T07:31:00.013+08:00

i lay awake, wondering what tomorrow brings. will i be here tomorrow or will i be removed from this life
if i am still here will i live a good life or will it be the same misery all over again? if my dreams become reality will i have to give up a part of my soul to live those dreams. will having success & power challenge my morals & eventually make me a person with material wealth & no human values and morals. if this world ends where will i go - heaven or hell or maybe i will do exactly what i do in this life- float around with no purpose, neither belonging or accepted?

massive number of thoughts; massive amount of thinking. thus i can only note all these with this little blog i have. poetry's fun it expresses emotions very well. so hi Brian; bye Brian.

he wants to scream out, all his pain,
but all he can do is cry and feel vain.
feeling like a stupid clown;
running and stumbling, falling down.
strong enough to go on,
but too weak to fight the moron.
hearts breaking, souls shaking;
he can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
desperately climbing through a tight, dark funnel.
smoke's biting in his eyes, making him cough;
every attempt to scream gets cut-off.
he prays and pleads for his fast salvation,
but all he gets ends in eternal frustration.
dumb screams, echoing through his mind.
is everybody around him deaf and blind?
in the dark he is waiting for the end,
to weak and to tired, to go on and contend
losing words each time i grow
and the wind i love ceases to blow
where tears die i lose control
and sadness starts to play its role
i miss my laugh my childhood smiles
i miss my faith, my poem files
i miss the sun, my life with no aches
god knows how many tears should it takes
take me to nowhere as far as my mind
go steady and leave everything behind
what takes a man to be as real?
what takes him to feel as i feel?
undress me from this life
living on the edge of a knife
cursed to be as real as fake
and earth starts to shake
in this life i’ve been starving
memories inside me been carving
time is ticking and life freezes over
i don't want to lose, this game won't be over
this sun will set again
the dark silence will soon be here,
oh, it will cover us again
with new terrors of fear.
moment by moment the hours passing,
so quickly than I could think,
my sweet memory also is passing.
something is coming down the pike.
i am so frightened,
for fears of the hidden tomorrow,
daily here my world is tightened
that, of course, is my sorrow
i won't pray for the morning,
who knows, a dawn of another terror.
today's woes is enough for a warning
i wish not a repeat of my sorrow.
surely the night will be over,
yet i am not excited,
who knows if it'll be a nova
just to leave, more dejected.
i don't want to wake up,
now that i have lost hope.
the tears I feel today,
i'll wait to shed tomorrow,
though i'll not sleep this night,
nor find surcease from sorrow,
my eyes must keep their sight,
i dare not be tear blinded,
i must be free to talk,
not choke with grief clear minded,
my mouth can not betray,
the anguish that i know,
yes; i'll keep my tears for later.

someday you will find me; caught beneath the landslide.

2009-04-28T06:31:00.005+08:00

if it's a table is broken, replace it
if it's an arm is broken, brace it
if it's a heart is broken; face it
you came into my life
as quickly as you left.
you grabbed a cutting knife
and sliced right through my breast.
you didn't mean to hurt
but what did you expect?
my heart now cut in two
it feels beyond repair.
injury done by you
life just isn't fair.
so here we are, just friends,
but i long to be more.
desire with no end
throbbing from my core.
you didn't mean to hurt?
but what did you expect?
all i could give was; my heart
and probably that wasn't enough
racing, rambling thoughts; running rapidly you'll find
delegation doesn't dictate; this mental state of mind
sound, ceremonial satire; written out of woe
etching every memory; fighting off my foe
flighty, fearless conduct; heroically on a high
embracing every weakness; wordless as to why
insomnia intensely active; innocently i implore
exhausted, eerie actions; eyes closing nevermore
raging, rancid thoughts; irritability now in play
tearful, sadistic tempest trying to find my way.
abusive, angry actions; meddling done no more.
bruised, battered and broken; still fighting a fruitless war
i’m surrounded by souls
however, i’m nothing but alone
i talk to many ears throughout the day
although none of them really hear me
i sit close to many warm bodies; but I am still frozen inside
i feel their touch graze my skin even so, still numb i'll always be
i see them stare at me, judging character by appearance
nonetheless, they are still blind and without guidance
i feel for those that chose horrible paths,
their disabled souls force my care to go untouched.
my tears of despair fall on closed, parched mouths.
while my breath of courage blows against hardened hearts.
i’m completely accompanied but utterly alone.
no one can reach to me now, but the kiss of the dark grows.
seclusion in delusion, minus a life,
saves a small soul from heart shattering strife.
so many friends and family, yet i’m so lonely and alone
no one to reach out and talk to, all by myself left to condone
how did I let this happen again?
why didn’t I see it from a long distance away?
how could I allow the trap to be set?
knowing my past and foolish ways
i guess what they said is the truth and i am completely truly insane
just look at the foolish choices i’ve made
i just can’t help not to refrain
i’m attracted to conflict and sickly to the pain
when will the violence stop; how will I finally end the disdain
measly all I ask for is one simple day
just one day where my life is not in complete disarray
i sugarcoat my troubles and most of all my despair
dwelling in my own misery; not willing or able to share
so here i sit in solitude trying to work my troubles out
conversing with my thought process; always a second doubt
it’s hard to get good advice from an unstable mind
not knowing if i’m right or wrong; fearful of what i’ll find
how can i maintain this relationship when only one will communicate?
finding it harder not to take the easy way out;
although the thought is becoming one of my traits
i don’t feel i’m evil, though maybe i’ve been wrong all along
i do want to be normal, but i first need to become strong
so here i sit in solitude with this pen and paper in hand
they’ve now become my new best-friend and always understand

he gazes skyward, but no sapphire sunset can capture her heart.

weave your tale of woe; convincing yourself it's so.

2009-03-30T17:02:00.014+08:00

its th end of shatec. godddddddd. at th blink of an eye; a year had passed. so many things had happened; so many things had changed. some things i did i regretted it; some things i did i will definitely stand firm on my ground. it's really sad t see my classmates go. but there's no never-ending party so we all just have t bid each other farewell.

i came into shatec without a goal in life; perhaps at th point of time when i registered for shatec it's probably a way for me t continue studying as my o level results couldnt really bring me far. i came into shatec with a very slack mentality. as my friends from previous batches have told me it's quite slack. till now my mentality totally made a huge change. i realised this is a stepping stone towards my future career as a chef. i had t wake up from a dream, a stupid dream that i was having since secondary school. and i had t stop my nonsense and do something about my future. shatec somehow helped mould me in a way or another.

now come t think of it shatec was still not as memorable compared t secondary school. but both have its memories that i would really cherish of.

wooooo A class chalet was fun in a way. having zack there was one hell of a good thing lol. he is one entertainer that you will miss. so basically we gambled till 1plus 2 and after that we went down t drink. apparently clement brought a $2k+ bottle champagne. to be honest i couldnt even taste th $2 out of th $2000. lol. so we drank till 3 plus everybody started getting high, and slowly everybody started dispersing and went t sleep. greg was one of th first few t toh and guess what, i had t wait till he wakes up and then leave together with him. so i stayed awake and just stoned. emolation time ! during that one hour many thoughts went through my head; really many many have, many many got. i thought so much that i was like in my own sub-conscious world. stoned till 4plus maggie and co. came back from macs they thought i was drunk or smth and asked whether i was okay. i was like i'm more sober than i can ever be. so i continued stoning and found that guosheng was also not sleeping. so i went t chat with him. chatted till almost 6. i went back t th chalet and i decided i needed t cycle. so i took one of th bikes and cycled around pasir ris park. when i was cycling more thoughts came through my mind. almost every part of th park i went pass there was something that happened there. so many memories flashed back. i really miss th good o' days that we had. when we were still young and naive of th world.

so i stopped and stoned at one of th stone blocks. i had 1 min of sleep and during that one minute i saw my grandfather. he was looking at me and shaking his head. come t think of it i never really did anything t make him feel proud of. i really miss him. there's really something missing when he's gone. i teared when i thought of him. actualy i didn't just tear. i'm going t pay him a visit soon.

after that i couldnt sleep so i continued stoning and watched th sunrise. hahah sunrise wasn't really anything special. just like any other normal sunrise that you would get t see in pasir ris park. i looked at th open sea. and more thoughts came upon my mind. its like a never ending cycle. one thought links to another and so on and so forth. has this world come t a point that there is no point of living? why are we even on this earth and why do we not get contended with what we have? some people are millionaires or even billionaires but they are never contended with what they have and they just want more. some people are borned with proper features but they want more than what they have for e.g. going for plastic surgery etc. we are very fortunate to have proper features. do they ever consider th fact th some people are borned without legs or hands etc. but they are still living life just as it is. is this what we call karma? we got th retribution for what we did in our previous life or is it so-called generic defect? so many things science can never prove it.

some people may proclaim their so-called ever lasting love for a person. but in this world is there a thing that is 'ever-lasting'? nothing's ever-lasting. th fact of no money; no honey is real. so real that people choose t deceive themselves to believe that they will love each other no matter how poor th opp is. yes that is possible when u all have no children or burden. when you start a family. your finance is so important that everything your child needs requires money. and when you have no money th couple is bound t quarrel. and when you quarrel there's a chance that you might fall out and when you fall out thats th end. so called everlasting love. heh.
love? is there even such a thing in this world called love? and how do u even judge how many percent of love u give t th person? if love can be judged by numbers then yes love is a calculative thing. its like maybe i give a 110% and i get 10% in return? what do u think love is? business? hahah. if you truly love the person it does not require of you t ask for anything in return. but giving th human nature everybody would surely want or actually expect something in return. contradicting? nah. you may say 'oh this person treated me unfairly in this relationship' now what is so called fair and what is unfair? fair means th person treats you like gold that's fair? unfair when th person treats you like dirt?
there's no way t judge whether a relationship is fair or unfair. there's never a complete fair exchange of feelings in a relationship. one party surely will give more than th other be it money or devoting of feelings. in your point of view, if you were th one that is giving then it's 'unfair' to you. but if you are th one taking, its okay it doesnt really matter; does it? in a way or another nobody and no one except you; yourself t devote and give your heart out for th person so dont say its unfair when th person does not reciprocate. it's th real world wake up. putting yourself in despair cause th person doesn't reciprocate wont make th person love you in anyway. you may be sad; you may feel disappointed but th person does not give a damn about it. at least that's what i feel for most cases. then again u cant expect yourself t be happy especially when th person lead you around in circles and toyed with your feelings; giving you false hopes etc. so don't blame anybody but yourself cause at th end of th day its you yourself who chose t give your heart out for th person. if you wan t give make sure that you do it willingly; and not whining after th person did not responding to what you did for them.
"it's better t have loved and lost than t never loved at all" this phrase it just makes yourself feel better. cause u 'lost' th person by not getting together with them. or rather you did some things that may have cause th relationship between you and th person t fail miserably. but if you truly love th person, th love u have for th person will always be kept in your heart and not so-called lost. love can be gone but it can never be lost? what do you mean by lost love? does it mean when th person gives up th hope of having or continuing a relationship? what actually is th real meaning behind lost love? or rather is it th lost of faith in love?
love is word that many mis-use. i have feelings therefore i love you? do people even consider th fact whether is it an infatuation or a fling before they throw out th 3 words of 'i love you' its so easy t say 'i love you' and its so hard t show whether you really love th person. does it mean that you spent a lot of money on th person means that you love th person a lot? yes in a way or another. considering at this era everything is so costly and almost everything requires money. but can money buy love? yes in a way. some people get together th initial reason of getting together is cause th opp has money or looks. if th person have money you wont have t fork out money when you 2 go out etc. at our age we should go with th 'no money, also happy' thought but this world is getting too materialistic. too many people get obsessed with money, material gains etc. people are thinking too much into benefits of getting into a relationship with th person. rather than considering whether they truly like th person. definitely when 2 people get together it's cause they have mutual feelings for each other, th liking that they have fr one another. then again do they really have genuine feelings for each other? there's so many questions that can't be answered.
love and then make love. that's what most guys have in their mind when they get into a relationship. is having sex really that important in a relationship? so are u getting together with th girl just for th sake of having sex or what. guys always think that sex is very important in a relationship. yes its a very open world now but too many people has considered sex as a crucial factor in a relationship. guys would say i have my needs and girl would also have their needs. but isn't it most of th time th guys' needs rather than th girls' needs? many girls actually lose their first time t their boyfriend cause their boyfriends wants it. th girl truly loves th girl and thats why she is willing t give up their virginity and their most sacred first time for you. then again guys feel as if it's nothing even if she gave me my first time cause she was th one that was willing and i didnt force her. so if you wan t get together with a person just because of sex wouldn't that hurt your conscience? well actually most people forget th word 'conscience' even existed.
break-up. it's also a phrase that many couples always use. "i want to break up with you" what's th point of breaking and patching when you people have already broken up. if you guys could break up once that means you can break up twice thrice etc. because both of you already have differences in each other that neither could give in to. being together ain't just about 'being together' it's so much more than that. you would have t learn how t give in, how to care for each, how to accept each other for who they are and most importantly know how t love each other. quarrels are inevitable in a relationship and if a couple's relationship can go through an argument, fight etc. it will only help strengthen their relationship and know each other better. how many people actually realise th seriousness of breaking up? they treat th phrase too lightly and just throw it out whenever they feel like it. so i see that's th whole point of getting into a relationship eh? seeing who's th one who ditched who. hah
one-sided love is one of th hardest to keep. many people just give up halfway and look for a new target. it is hard because most of th time, th things you do, th feelings you devote, th time that u give may not be returned or may not even be seen. some may think "i can try t make th person touched and thus like me". NO. that does not fking happen. even though th person may be touched but touched does not mean must like. th fking human nature is just like that. when you need a person you acknowledge their existence but when you don't, you just treat them as if you never knew them. at this era, there is no such thing as try t make a person touched anymore. no matter how much you, what you do, whatever. hah. cause th fact is touched doesnt mean must like.
love is something that can create havoc between friendships and relationships. th complex nature of a human can never be totally discovered or known. you will never know how much a person would do t just get th person of their dreams. how much time they will give out, how much effort they will put in, how much they will do, until th extend of fucking a friendship up. it is something that will cause humans t lose their sanity. i dont even know what more t say. there is too much going on in my mind.
i never really did know how t love someone; maybe i never will. you may call it sua-ku or whatever or however you may put it. i tried; twice, putting in all my effort, giving out my heart, being there for th person whenever they needed me and giving my all for the person i really love. i thought naively that by doing that th person would reciprocate. but you know what? what ever could possibly go wrong possibly went wrong. so maybe just maybe i'll never know what love is.

嘴巴說她不值得我在想了, 但是心裡卻好想;好想她

2009-03-26T16:27:00.006+08:00

kar yi thank you!

shatec life is going to end in 1 days time. so fast a year had passed. i'm having mixed feelings now. i dont know what t say.so many memories, good and bad would be taken along. i'll make a detailed post on this very soon. gotta do notes fr exam alr.

and tomorrow's th last day that i'll get t see almost everybody ever again; and most importantly see you ever again. i just need t take one more last glimpse of you before we head our own separate paths and see each other again. hah

goodbye, all th best in your future endeavors.

goodbye dcs 408A and B. thank you all for times; memories

查埔人的情
甘愿为爱拼一生
查某人的心
甘愿为情来牺牲
对你这段情
是愈久愈坚定
爱你一粒心
也未变形
无奈今夜雨未停
啊今夜风这呢冷
我的情也不愿停也不愿冷
分开我的心情
心痛是一层层
这段情放置心肝顶
心爱的
再会啦
这段情放置心肝顶

**i love you,wmej

心爱的; 再会啦.

2009-03-25T21:41:00.004+08:00

woooooo. i'm lacking of sleep. like massively. i feel so tired but i cant sleep. thats just great. and th best thing is now i'm having fever again. wooooooo i love it.

so do you wanna enter the game? hahah !

i got so much i want t type but i just cant find th proper words to you cos my mind now is like a massive whirlpool.

your lies; my alibis

2009-03-24T03:33:00.002+08:00

woooooooooo. fever ! in the morning, fever all through th night. feeling great now man. sick and tired.fever keeps going on and off on and off. c'mon my time is near. tahan another 3 more years and th world is going t come to an end !

live and let live? nahhh. i'm going t hell. wooooooooo

2009-03-14T18:37:00.002+08:00

omg its one more week t final exams. die.

i've been having massive phlegm and blocked nose for almost the whole week. i'm feeling oh so good now. wooooooooo.

wooooo. just went karaoke with greg and casey. it was a last minute decision so it was like ahh. fun.lol. then we also asked jia t come along. but that guy he delay and delay then when he was singing his 2nd song time is up. HAHAH ! had quite a bit of fun, did all th stupid things etc. so after karaoke we slacked and talk cock then we went home. wooo.

greg: "you know what i feel like doing when i see her face?"
brian: "no?"
greg: "just punch only, i dont care if she's a girl"

lol greg was quite kind i guess. lol.

so th question still lies here: may i know what you want?

i'm going to lock up myself for 2 weeks before i do anything else. cos its the end of studying at SHATEC.

2009-03-10T01:34:00.004+08:00

another week had passed. which means another week closer the final year exams. die.

th week passed without me even knowing that it passed. now i'm living life as if everyday is th same or maybe everyday it just gets worser. well sunday was a random day. greg came over and we were supposed to study but we ended up talking cock, laughing and cooking spaghetti. lol. th next study session would not be so fruitless. cause i'm still gonna try my best t hit my targets of all As.

past week had been a thinking week. i've been thinking a lot into life. i'm going back to th pessimistic bastard that i used to be. everything about me is just negative and nothing i think of is positive. i've been thinking so much so that i'm even afraid to face myself in the mirror. i've been thinking how much have i changed from primary school to secondary school, secondary to shatec, and shatec till now. i'm thinking how much the environment around had changed, the people around me; myself. it's like i don't know. every time when i do try to change results shows, but when something happens everything just goes hay-wire.

ec was a good example. i decided from the start of that term to put my heart into my shatec learning experience. i gave my 110% for the EC or at least for the start. everything started out good, after a while when i tried too hard and i didn't seem t get results; everything started going haywire as i was getting frustrated. frustrations lead to anger and anger leads to th downfall of everything, and that was th end of the EC on my part. everything started going downhill and finish. everything that could possibly go wrong went wrong. my tolerance level went down, my patience ran out and my attitude made a huge change.but i thought again there were other factors at that point of time that leaded to all th things happening so yeah. after that there is only one word to describe what happened; finish. then again did i really do nothing for the ec? hahah see thats what humans are; they always remember th bad points and never th good. i love it.

another example is th most recent one which is projects. argh. its like never ending to doing it cause we keep dragging it. and its like th same thing happens. everything started out fine and then bang it goes haywire again. when desmond didnt turn up on time i got frustrated and bang there goes my attitude again. FARK. i have no other better word to describe besides that cause partially i am too lazy t think of a better word. now i'm having problems with desmond and i hope it everything will be fine real soon. then again there are also factors that contributed t me being frustrated. but then again if i cant control my emotions properly wouldnt i lose all my friends? FARK.

no matter how much i try to change yeah without a doubt i would reap some results at th start and after a while everything just goes haywire. is this tests from the gods above or is it just me? i really dont know myself now. actually i never knew myself. its like i'm so lost. now i'm trying my hardest t let go of th past and try t start afresh again. but it seems so damn hard cos now th impression that i left on other people is just FARKED. i can't possibly blame anybody but myself.

now it feels as if all my dreams are all battered and torn. my trust, my faith seems so meaningless now. i'm unable t take this pain anymore. yet my heart tells me to forgive myself, to let go of th bad past, to let the love live. but a broken heart cannot think any good. it's probably reacting just the way it should. love dont exist, it's just a 4-letter word that doesnt mean anything or at least not to me. you can love all you want but i dont care. love dont exist in my world.you can love until you give up. i gave up already. i gave love quits, never to love again; because love is stupid. love is dumb; all it leads to heartaches and i had to many of those so love means nothing. love is pain, so quit while you can.

as i pace this frozen dead ground
the cold reminds me im alive
as i think without a sound
i wonder how i shall survive the words of sorrow left in my past
as unforgiving the world still turns
what is my future i still ask
still i must this young soul learns. war with myself is still in pieces
leaving is hell, but i cant stay sleepless
the dawn of life has just cracked open
the webs of words that i have woven, the evil of sin is under your nose
but the evil of love is not exposed
Men are brothers that fight strong wars
in a hundred years no one will mourn, still i watch and still i see
men that sheds man’s blood
for the things we are, forever free
they cant love like we all should. trapped inside the hell on earth
we bestowed this on ourselves
a peice of mind for what is worth
evil brought still as wealth.

okay i'm too tired to carry on typing. but definitely i will continue on this topic again.

2009-03-02T01:03:00.007+08:00

okay it was quite a happening week. full of interviews and it's like woah.

sat was quite errrr i dont know how t put it. work at The French Kitchen was quite fast paced. it was th first time i had t peel LIVE prawns and what made it better they were very aggressive. it was cruel t peel them alive but i could not not do it as it was work. i'm sooooooo going t hell and i'm prepared for it. i could hardly understand what th chef was saying also. its like his french accent is so strong. and th sous chef there is like damn fierce. oh wells gotta wait till tuesday and see whether i'll get accepted into there.

wooooooooooo. i got accepted into CA* California on friday and i'm told that they would inform me with regards on th date of signing th contract. but i can't really make a decision just yet as i have a second interview w/ Goodwood park and The Hidden Host. i'll see which offers me th best and just go into there.

&& yeah i think it was all my fault all along eh? i mean yeah didn't give me false hopes, you didn't lead me on in circles. yeah u didnt do anything wrong. how about no? hahah. true enough, things wouldnt have been like that if i had not fallen for you; but there are always two side t things? if you had chosen t handle it properly or rather face th problem instead of running away from it. but unfortunately u did not. have i not been gentleman enough; have i not given up enough; have i not did enough or is it rather what did i not do? yeah just act like nothing ever happened yeah its ALRIGHT. hahah.

hahah yeah you would just say nobody said u have t do anything for me blah blah blah. okay its my fault for being so foolish; so stupid t even love you. yeah after all love is blind. it made me so blind that i kept on listening t all your bullshit all this while. it made me lose my sense of judgement for what is wrong and right. i doubt a word that you said was even true. hahah as i said u've probably forgotten what you even said cos u just wanted a spare tyre isn't it? so many people have asked me 'what in th world happened to brian lin' cos if it was th real brian lin he would have slapped th person countless times and give th person a good time but i didnt choose t do that cos i love you.
and i just want t let you know; u never did make things clear. u kept bring me on th merry-go-round. just because u were 'confused' at different point of time you could choose whatever you like t do right? i like that. whatever i did for you came from th bottom of my heart and i never ever did expect anything in return. th things u did and said if u have remembered really hurt me. it really hurt me. i never did expect anything t come out fr what i did but th least i could expect from you was th fking sarcasm that you gave me. i really felt great when that happened. now it comes to 'oh u were th one who started it' hahah well maybe you should go take a look what you have said and done and maybe think about people's feelings before u even say anything. but i dont think it really matters t you cos u just needed a fool t talk t you and support you at tht point of time and when my time was up yeah u just kicked me away like a ball. thank you. i like that. seriously have i not been gentleman enough t you? have i not put down my pride cos of you? woooo. you know what; it does not matter t u in any way. LOL.

hahah so much for everything eh? u didnt want t lose this friendship cos of my liking towards you. well i would say no; at tht point of time when u said that if u recall what had happened. but maybe after all this time hahah no chance in hell i would consider giving this friendship a chance ever again. but you know something? i still love you even though what had happened. but it doesnt matter cos yeah its impossible for us t be together eh?! HAHAH! what a fool you are brian lin!

thank you; u've made learn a lot this time. and i wont ever give my heart out fr a girl ever again at least fr th near future. wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

and i found th answer t greg's question as of now onwards is : everything; but again its also nothing.

darkest depths of my soul slowly
being destroyed by your chemical.
yes i'm tired of being alone
last love has turned my heart cold as stone.
trust, love, and faith all thrown back in my face
i'm such a disgrace.
you dont deserve the comfort of my love
and i didnt deserved to be pushed, or shoved.
did i even mean anything to you?
or was i just a toy for you to subdue?
i dont know anymore the real me when i look in the mirror
i cant understand what and who i see.
you've sent me back to the way i use to be
cold hearted, bitter, and inside angry.
my image of myself is incomplete, broken, and dead
i know i'm not perfect
nothing but a burden for some lost soul to collect.
but you made me think different
but it was all a lie and every word you never meant.
but i will find someone better than you
and with that happiness there's nothing you can do.
give me what i could never ask for
give me back my heart .
so i can give it to another who deserves what i have to give
a dead soul that desperately wants to live.
but I try to forgive you now
and try not to think about before
i love you so much
it just hurts to ponder now i never thought
it would hurt this bad
and i never imagined
you could make me feel so sad
but for now i will smile
and pretend nothing is wrong
i know one day
this pain and hurt will be gone
th way you always knew what to say
how we used to talk; almost everyday
but now that things have turn out this way
i have to be strong
and hope that one day
i will be able to move on and hopefully that day comes real soon.

aights time t ciao. feeling very tired alr.

2009-02-28T12:52:00.002+08:00

it's been a tiring week. everyday i have interviews and all averaging about 45 mins. th longest one was with sweet indulgence. 1 1/2 hours. my god! woooooooo.

goddd. i dont know what t do now. go or dont go?! ohwells gotta wait fr th call.

today i'm gna go t The French Kitchen t work. heard th sous chef there is very fierce and hopefully i dont get scolded by him. ohwells see how it goes then.

alrights gotta zhao needa do project and then go work alr.

2009-02-24T22:55:00.002+08:00

wahhhhhhhhhhhh. 6 interviews, 2 down; 4 more to go!

today i went t The French Kitchen for an interview. it's a very small restaurant; but apparently th executive chef there is well recognised in the culinary industry in singapore. he was such a nice guy. it was th first time that i saw a chef that nice. after he interviewed me he still told me t go back on saturday t have a trial run with them t see whether i liked working in their kitchen and not regretting making th choice t sign a contract with them. woooo.

tomorrow is CA* California and The Hidden Host. godddd i'm like so scared. ohwells. see how it goes then.

greg's question is still on my mind; and it's really hard t find an answer t it. ohwells.

thank you & good bye.

2009-02-22T03:44:00.003+08:00

wooooooo. monday interview with trader's hotel! wooooooooo. like so finally.
now i'm going back t th stage of re-thinking and re-organising my life, my mentality; my attitude. it's gna take quite a while. and i hope that i can make it back; before its too late.



some people live for the fortune 
some people live just for the fame 
some people live for the power, yeah 
some people live just to play the game 
some people think that the physical things define what’s within 
and i been there before but that life’s a bore, so full of the superficial 
some people want it all, but I don’t want nothing at all 
some people want diamond rings, some just want everything 
some people search for a fountain 
the promise is forever young 
some people need three dozen roses 
and that’s the only way to prove you love them 
hand me the world on a silver platter 
and what good would it be 
with no-one to share with
is this the real life?
is this just fantasy?
caught in a landslide,
no escape from reality.
when I saw the break of day 
i wished that i could fly away 
instead of kneeling in the sand 
catching teardrops in my hand 
out across the endless sea 
i would die in ecstasy 
but I'll be a bag of bones 
driving down the road alone
open your eyes, look up to the skies and see,
i'm just a poor boy, i need no sympathy,
because i'm easy come, easy go, little high, little low,
any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me; to me
too late, i think my time has come,
sends shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time.
goodbye, everybody, I've got to go,
i sometimes wish i'd never been born at all.


seems like it was yesterday
when I saw your face
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
thank you for all you've done
there's nothing I wouldn't do
to hear your voice again
sometimes I wanna call you
but I know you won't be there
some days I feel broke inside
but I won't admit
sometimes I just wanna hide
cause it's you I miss
and it's so hard to say goodbye
when it comes to this




my heart's drenched in wine, but you'll be on my mind; forever.

2009-02-17T23:15:00.003+08:00

godddddd. i have blister that is damn irritating. made some cheesecake last night with greg and jolynn. baked all th way till like 145. then greg had t zhao. so i waited fr my cake t cool down and by th time it cooldown it was alr 3am. godddd.

yesterday greg and i were like back t secondary school times. we were talking about all th stupid things we've done during these past 10 years of our friendship. all th troubles we got into together in school, fun times we had class; after school etc. it was kind of funny t come t think back what we've done in th past esp th past 4 years.

today was kind of a miserable day. so miserable that i did nt even have money t eat. bloody hell. luckily desmond treated me t lunch cos i helped him fr his food cost exam. and as usual lessons were boring as hell. aft sch wen t study with kieran at starbucks at forum. on th way there we shared about our secondary school life and something else. and also how contradicting a human can be.

greg asked me th same question again last night. and i still can't find th answer t it. or actually; i dare not answer him.

&& t be honest i may say i've had enough of you; but deep in my heart i still love you. every time i tell myself its easy t get over this and yes its easy t get over this but every time when i hear your name, see you or even hear your voice everything just come's back.i know very clearly that holding this on will not bring this relationship or rather friendship into a level that i want. i think it's time that i try t change this love that i have for you into a sibling type of love. idk how am i going t do it. i'm just gonna try. but actually i did try before but it didn't work out. it tears my heart knowing that you are hurting inside for someone else; and there's nth that i can do about it. actually i really want t do smth about it but i just dont know how to. i do not know how t mend your heart neither know how t even talk t you esp after what happened. knowing that you are sick i really wanted t go down t your house and take care of you but th way things are now i really do not know how t do it. i think my only way of loving you now is just t help you whenever you need my help; do anything that you want me t do. that's th least i think i can do or express my love for you now.

一颗爱你的心; 时时刻刻为你转不停

-- Jolynn; i love you

2009-02-16T01:07:00.002+08:00

back t th old routine. jogging, dota, studying. sadly i did not manage t hit my target. argh. and i still havent found a place fr attachment. i'm soooooooooo worried. omtian.

wooooooooooooooooooooooo. i'm still coughing blood and i just love it. i'm just going t smoke my life away. and i'm running out of money t buy ciggies once again. ohnonononono. that sucks.

i still can't get that question greg asked me out of my head. and th best part is there's no answer t it.

i'm gna attempt t sleep now.

i wear this crown of thorns; upon my liars' chair.
full of broken thoughts; i cannot repair.

2009-02-14T02:40:00.006+08:00

i'm feeling enraged and at th same time lousy now. i coughed out blood like a lot of times tonight. if i get a cancer of some sort i swear; i'm going to commit suicide. i don't want t be a burden t myself and my family.

so th saying still stays th same. th good will never beget good. th bad will never beget bad. you will not really reap what you sow. sometimes; you may put in a 100% effort into something that you do but end up getting nothing back. yes; sometimes some things its nt th matter of getting something back.

so is it my fault that somebody else that offended you is a guy and at th same time i'm also a guy. i was just trying t help and th least u could do was t give me an attitude.well fk that i've had enough. you treat me as a brother? hah i doubt u even treated me as a friend. you've been hurt; i've been hurt too. i'm gna be real this time. really real this time.

yeah it's my fault tht i was foolish enough t even listen t what u said. t even believe what u said was true. yeah like what some people said maybe you just treated me like a spare tyre after all. i did not want t ever believe that. but facts had proved me right. when you act like nothing ever happened it really hurt me. yeah it's my fault fr taking a liking on you; fr even loving you and existing in your life.

i really gave my heart out fr you although i know very well that nothing would change th relationship between us. all th things you've said still stayed in my head till this date and well i think it doesn't really matter t u after all. maybe you even forgotten what you said.hahah. i was a complete fool fr you and too bad fr me yeah.

yeah guys should jump down cos its their fault all th time right? even though he gave his 100% for you. all guys are bad all of them hurt girls' hearts. hurt them by giving their all fr th girl he likes; th girl he loves. guys are all just th same aft all eh. how bout maybe THINK AGAIN? think about what you've done t th person and how did u hurt th person. your actions and everything else you do or say before you even pass a judgement on guys. its nt really our fault all th time; yeah it is cos we are so stupid t even like you; oh actually its just maybe me.

friends? nahhh dont even think that word existed between us. this time will be th last time i do something fr you. i do not feel like saying anything anymore. it does nt matter at all; anymore.

you've hurt me bad; but i wont shed a tear.

2009-02-12T00:37:00.002+08:00

goddddddddd. its 1230am and i'm still not asleep. and today's thursday alr which means tomorrow i have ko test! omgomgomgomgomg.

i need proper sleep, cause nowadays i can't really seem t fall asleep and that is in no way good.

greg asked me th same question yesterday; and i still can't find th answer to it.

i'm going to ponder over my thoughts till i sleep.

&& afterall, even all th sad songs; ain't so sad

--i still love you and it's kind of foolish t hold t smth that will never happen.

2009-02-07T23:16:00.003+08:00

woooooo. just woke up not long ago from my power sleep. went t study with desmond and greg for their food cost last night. desmond came over t my hse around 6pm and studied almost all th way.

it was a massive overnight study. but we studied till like 4am and i told them t go home and take a power nap cos none of them had th motivation or rather th mind to absorb anything so we went home and met up again @ 745 at desmond's house and headed back to school.

it was th most effective 1 1/2 hours of study and yes ah! it did helped them. was quite happy that i actually could help them. so when their exam started i wen t desmond's car t take a nap. but unfortunately i failed miserably as i couldnt sleep. so after their exams we went fr lunch and then went home. when i reached home i immediately tohed till now.

greg asked me a question that really struck my mind; and i can't seem t find th answer till now.

and when there's nothing left t say.

2009-02-07T23:02:00.002+08:00

差一点骗了自己
爱与被爱不一定成正比
但我无法完全交出自己
努力为你改变
却变不了预, 留的伏笔
以为在你身边那也算永远
仿佛还是昨天
可是昨天已非常遥远
但闭上双眼我还看得见
可惜不是你陪我到最后
如果明月无心
那天空不会下雨
如果大海有情
沙滩不会沉睡
你就像那大海
我就是那明月
明月有心大海无情
如果能够无心
就不会再哭泣
如果不再有情
也不用再伤心
如果只是如果
你如何能做到
我的心情谁能明了
在风中在雨中
多少的岁月匆匆
难道你难道你
看不到我的痴情
我等待我等待
我等待黎明快来
当明月沉入大海
彷佛被你抱满怀
是等待是无奈
是悲哀!

一颗爱你的心时时刻刻为你转不停

2009-02-06T01:14:00.002+08:00

ahhhhhhhhhhh. next week's common tests. i soooo need somebody else t study with! i'm gna study till i drop. no more dota; no more going out. just pure school + jogging. and there's still no positive replies from any hotel or restaurant. i'm like so afraid that i can't get attached t a place. uh oh.

blogging seems like a very difficult thing t do nowadays. it sort of defeated th whole purpose of having a blog. OMTIAN LUH!!!!!! there's really so much that i want t say and bomb out but i'm either too lazy to or dont have t mood to. ohwells.

all th days spent together; i wished for better.

2009-02-05T00:04:00.002+08:00

AD_A*ID)(D*)A*D)A(UDA)(DU)A(U)D ROAR!

my ko grp work is killing me. die la!

my god i'm so gna study till i go mad man. 7As. cmon u can do it brian!

i must be strong; and carry on!

-- i < / 3 you

&& no i can't find th words; cause i lost them th minute they fell out my mouth

2009-02-03T22:28:00.002+08:00

omgawwwwwwwwwd.

i just spent 2 1/2 hours sending out my resumes. omgomgomg i'm so afraid that i can't get accepted into a restaurant or hotel for attachment. ohwells. school was boring as usual. ahhhh but nvmd its okay i'm still gna study at home. stupid adrian had t remind me of being helpless when i was high and th moment when he kissed me like 10+ times. my godd i swear im nt gna ever drink ever again. it got me into a massive emo mood. ohwells.

wahhhhhh. i feel like blogging but im just too lazy t type.

break this bittersweet spell on me; lost in th arms of destiny.

2009-02-01T05:41:00.003+08:00

woooooooooo. my god i just woke up from my coma. drinking session was just crazy. everybody got high; adrian got CRAZY. he went around a fed everybody alcohol. bloody idiot. he ran around and around and it was damn funny lol. well anws it was jerome and his bday celebration so it dont matter!

i drank and th stages of drinking came out. but luckily only th first 3 stages. th third was th most jialat. massive hardcore emocore. i just went one side alone and listened to my mp3. but adrian that stupid idiot came and drowned me with alcohol again. but hell out of memories went pass my mind during this period of 3 hours. th people i lost; but also th people i've met in my life. th things i've done etc. omgawwddd. i was so close to crying.

is th world really going t end at dec 21 2012? there is so much misery in this world that mankind can't even help himself. are people borned t live in misery and t face problems? ahhhhhhhhhh. i do not want t continue again. i'll blog again when i'm in a much more sober mood cause i'm still high.

and it seems like a lost somehow; my heart got lost on th way to my head

2009-01-31T14:45:00.004+08:00

woah yesterday was a blast!

we drank at like 12pm in th afternoon. which was damn damn damn dumb. stupid adrian insisted we drink cause its his bday + jerome's bday combined. hahah jerome's face turned into a tomato aft like one sip. HAHAH! during classes we were all like high and nonsensical. after school we went t carnivore @ vivo t have dinner. it was great. th food there was fantastic; awesome! woooooo!

yayy! mummy cooked nasi lemak. so nice. i love my mom. and and today's sentosa day! i don't feel like going cause we are going t drink. drinking has 4 stages, first its th high,2nd th happiness, 3rd th sadness, 4th th violence. i'm nt gna get wasted today cause those guys need somebody t tk care of them and if all of us we drunk; all hell WILL break loose.

ohmytian i'm still falling asleep in class. die la. like tht how t achieve 7As. omg i need t re-format my life again. its like no matter how much i sleep i still feel sleepy. i'm so gna die young. woooooooo. i just love life.

when you act like nothing ever happened; i feel like i should feel bad.
when you need th hand; of another man.

`` brian < / 3 wmej

&& i'm starting t lose th drive i found; there's nothing left t say.

today is th day brian lin died.

2009-01-29T23:28:00.002+08:00

cny was rather good. won quite a bit in gambling.woooo. spend quality time with friends and yeah old ties renewed; what a wonderful time.

damnn. i sooooooooooo gna gain weight. ate like a pig during cny but nvmd i shall resume my routine frm now onwards.

you are far; i'm never gonna be your star.
strange that i was wrong enough t think you'd love me too.
but i'll pick up th pieces and mend my heart.

these wounds won't seem t heal, this pain is just too real.
cause i only focus on th pain; th only thing thats real.

2009-01-26T23:35:00.005+08:00

happy cny t everyone !

all that i do; comes back to you.

are things meant to turn out this way?
or did i took a few wrong turns?
will the star that i've been holding on to still shine?
or will it slowly fade away?
i guess i have only myself to blame.

&& i<3u

2009-01-24T00:56:00.002+08:00

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah ! emocore mood have t be over soon. th temporary source of release is really costly. so costly that im on th verge of having problems t settle my meals everyday.ohwells.

now my whole body's like aching and i'm like having pains everywhere. perhaps i might have overworked myself or smth. but i'm still gna preservere and carry on with my programme.

past 2 days of school was enjoyable yet tiring. all th nonsense we did in class. i did nt have th mood t go school. i was practically dragging myself t school everyday. somehow i lost th 'brian lin' in me and i'm like zombie now. i have no idea what i wna blog already. i'm soooooo gna have a mental breakdown soon. it hurts so much that it surpasses physical pain.

now look where you are; you're in my heart

&& now i don't know what to do, or rather; there's nothing i can do

2009-01-22T00:18:00.003+08:00

wooooooooo.2nd night without sleep. i love it. i'm like shagged t th max.but somehow i just cant get t sleep.

i've been constantly dosing off in class. and thats not GOOD? this is supposed t be a term that i aim fr straight As and i'm sleeping in class.okay i'm gna stop this nonsense and put 110% concentration in class from next week onwards.fresh week t a fresh start.hopefully it happens or else i'm screwed.ohwells i think i've gotta stop my emocore activities soon.real soon.5 packs 1 day; gosh i'm so gna die young. woooooooooo i love it.

past 2 days i covered 17km in jogging and 250 sit-ups. i dont even noe how i did it but i just did it. maybe it was perserverance; maybe it was something else. i dont know why am i pushing myself so hard t achieve this target.ohwells anws it was time that i did something about my weight.heh. c'mon 85 by mid-feb !

it really hurts; and it hurts real real baddd.i was so foolish t think that maybe for one second you actually cared.i just hope to sleep and never awaken. nothing left in this world could replace what you have taken.

i'm trying my hardest; and the hardest part is letting go

2009-01-19T22:51:00.002+08:00

ahhhhh. just came back from work. wooooo shagged t th max.

woke up at 430am fr my jogging routine, came back around 530 took a shower and then a slow walk towards th mrt. it was like one hour but i seemed like 5mins. was thinking alot during this one hour. or rather i've been thinking too much th past few weeks. reached bukit batok @ around 745 took another 30mins t walk frm th mrt to th coffeeshop. had a good nice cup of coffee and went fr pract. was bored t th max and got released from school @ 11am. had lunch and slack fr quite a bit and headed t work. it was massively tiring and i dont even feel like mentining it lol.

you don't understand how much your words stay in my head.

ahhhh i guess i shall stop here. good night; goodbye

things would be so much easier; if i could forget everything.

2009-01-18T02:42:00.003+08:00

its almost 3.00am ! i only have another 3 more hours t sleep cause i have work and i do not know why i'm still here blogging.

today was fine; just 'oh so fine'. went t deliver oranges and met a security guard. he started shouting at me and using profanities at me. i tolerated him 3 times and he went over my limit and i blew up. i was just thattttt close t releasing all th anger on him. my god i was over th top and he still went on and on and on. i turned back and gave him a piece of my mind and he called th police?lol. he wanted t report t th police because i verbally abused him i was like 'please use my phone t call th police, i'm so scared' after that th driver helped and played th role as a mediator and solved th problem. i sooooo hope th police came.ohwells. bad day.

i'm beginning t regain my old self; someone that i don't wna see again. i seem t lose my cool very easily especially th past few weeks. which is not good in a wee bit? i do not know what has happened t me. i think i'm losing it and sooner or later its gna go out of hand. i dont wan th old brian but neither do i wan th brian now. either it's an emocore brian or an angry brian. but i wan neither of them. who am i or who i am? life is just full of contradictions. one moment people can be th best of friends; and another moment become th worst of enemies. now i'm back t th question of do we live to die; or rather die to live? so many thoughts so little to type. ARGHHHH. i'm really on th verge of going berserk.

i talk t me; but you can't hear th pain i feel.

aights i shall stop here today. i shall go fr a night jog and then shower and head t bed.

truth is relative; not absolute

&& <3jolynn

2009-01-16T19:27:00.002+08:00

it's so fast and th first week of school had passed. enjoyable but lessons are boringggg. 3 packs one day. sigh. i think i should quit. i'm running out of cash and that completely sucks? without ciggies i have no idea where else can i get my release?

i've really got so much that i want t say; but i just can't seem t get th words typed out. this feeling completely sucks.

&& sadly i just can't seem t forget you; and th worst part is i'm still loving you.

2009-01-16T00:26:00.002+08:00

i dont know what i'm doing; it's been a long while ever since i was in th lost state. there's really so much t say but so little to type. this sweet madness is just getting out of control. i'm feeling gooooooooooooooooooooooooooood now. i just realised i spent $320 just on ciggies th past 2 1/2 weeks. emocore sessions are too costly =((( ohwells gotta save money so that i can get my temporary release.

and yes ah i lost weight ! wooooooooooo. 105-94. thats 11kgs. wooooooo.

i guess this term will be a term that i completely bury myself with school work and my gymming routine. i dont even know is this a motivation or is this a form of escaping. maybe i really need this sweet escape; but how long can i run away? i need some form of release and unfortunately i still have not found it.

your lies; my alibis

it has always been a dream and will always be one; that never comes true.

2009-01-13T20:45:00.002+08:00

emocore mood. wooooooooo. 6th day without sleep im going crazy ! wooooooooooooooo !

i'm damn tired now but i dont feel like sleeping just yet.ohwells.

school was sort of enjoyable once again. got back th same old clique and th same old fun. woooo !
but th next 3 months are going t be 3 very short months and all of us will go our seperate ways from then. i hope th next 3 months is going t past very slowly.aiyoh. idk la. let nature takes its course

massive amount of thoughts are still in my head. emocore mood is really gooooooooooood !i think i gotta sleep it off cause school started already =((

ohwells shall stop here and head t bed.

2009-01-10T05:02:00.006+08:00

no matter what i do, all think about; is you.

i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all my childish fears
and if you have to leave,i wish that you would just leave
cause your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone
these wounds won't seem to heal;this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
you used to captivate me by your resonating light
now I'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away; all the sanity in me

夜里有风,风里有我,我拥有什么?
云跟风说,风跟我说,我能向谁说?
不想从前,不谈未来,我为谁等待?
不要你懂,不怕人说,让爱随风沉默
为你付出着一切;如今换来你的反背
从今以后甭相找;是你害我这呢狼狈
除了想你,除了爱你,我什么什么都愿意
翻开日记整理心情我真的真的想放弃
你始终没有爱过,你在敷衍我; 一次一次忽略我的感受
我真的感到力不从心;无力继续
这感情;不值得我犹豫
不值得我考虑;不值得我爱过你
这种回忆;不值得我提起
不值得想起;不值得哭泣
这段感情;早就应该放弃
早就不该让我浪费时间找奇迹
这样的你;不值得我恨你
不值得我为你而坏了心情
我决定不为你而毁了心;放弃爱你.

we're getting further away; from what we never had.

&& afterall it never ever meant anything to you.

2009-01-05T01:24:00.002+08:00

just like a star across my sky, like an angel off the page
you have appeared to my life
feel like i'll never be the same
just like a song in my heart; honoured to love you
you've got this look i can't describe, you make me feel like i'm alive
blowing out my mind, i have come to understand
the way it is, it's not a secret anymore

all of the things that i want to say just aren't coming out right
i'm tripping on words, you got my head spinning i don't know where to go from here
something about you now, i can't quite figure out
everything she does is beautiful; everything she does is right
because these words are never easier for me to say
but i guess that i can live without you; but without you i'll be miserable at best
you're all that i hoped
and everything i would give is everything you couldn't take
cause nothing feels like home, you're like a thousand miles away
and the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay
and i've reached the point that i think i should leave you alone

because i know i'm good for something. i just haven't found it yet; but i need it

2009-01-04T02:39:00.003+08:00

enjoyed th new year's in a way or another. th old ties got renewed and its good seeing old faces again. love those times we had fun together.

woooooooo. i just got dota back on my comp; which means once again i'll have no life and dota my life away ! hopefully dota can brainwash me cause there are so many damn thoughts on my mind now which i can't get rid of and can't stop thinking of. woooooooooooo ! I LOVE DOTA !

&& i only hoped that i don't love you like i did yesterday. but i just can't.

all of my regret will wash away some how; but i can not forget the way i feel right now

2008-12-29T22:49:00.009+08:00

and yes ! its finally holidays ! wooooooo ! been waiting fr it so long but somehow i wished that it would never come cause it marks th end of th practicum and gotta head back to school t study again. somehow i wished th practicum time would be longer but then again it wont so yeah. heh.

so fast; at th blink of an eye. 2008 is approaching to an end already. so many things had happened this year. its like woah! the year 2008 saw many changes be it friends, school, life etc. somehow its all these changes that mould us t what we are today.

this year really made me see through th meaning of 'friends come and go'. it is a year that saw many of us heading our own paths be it army, poly, re-taking of o's etc. we are mostly preoccupied with our own school work or interests. there was a day i went down t dome, i was shocked. shocked at th fact tht there were many new faces but sadly only a few old faces. th 'dome' now isnt th 'dome' we used t noe. i remembered when dome was at its 'prime' at any point of time dome had at least 10 people we knew there but sadly now its hard t even get that number during weekends. somehow dome made us see through life in a way or another, we gotta see th 'other' side or rather th hard side of life. but no matter what i would have never regretted hanging out with this group of friends as i have gained more than what i lost.

friends really do come and go and they really do especially at our age. sometimes its really ironic when someone can call th person 'brother' just because that person at tht point of time had helped him in a major way. and if something were t happen in between th friendship they will become enemies. friends split mainly cause of 3 reasons. money, girls and drugs. its so disappointing t see that happen t some of my closest friends. but somehow no matter what they have become i will still remember them when they were at their best and cherish th good times we went past together. at this age we are very vulnerable t changes and it is also th stage that we really start t learn about the 'real' world. its not as simple as we thought it would be. there's so many things that 'could' or 'would' happen and we wouldnt even expect it.

in this 'real' world its really a very cruel world. and yes only th fittest will surive. and yes when it comes t this real world everyone is selfish. most people can just turn their backs on their closest friends just because of money or something that would get them their own personal benefeits. are friendships measure by money? nowadays even family members can fall out with each other because of this very evil thing called money. is it really that important? yes it is important in a way or another but can money buy happiness? money can buy happiness in a way but can it bring u eternal happiness? yes without money you would be miserable but without friends isn't it worst off? sadly; many people fall to th temptation of being greedy for money and some people just 'buy' friendships with their money. th term of 'when you drink people drink with you; when you cry you cry alone' is so true. so many people have left their so-called friends when they are out of cash or when they are at their lowest points. humans can be so greedy till they can betray their friends or even their own family. its such a powerful thing so powerful that even man himself who invented it can't take control of it.

girls; also another powerful 'thing' that tears friendships apart. so many times th best of friends can be enemies because of girls. are relationships more important than friendships? is it worth it to give up a friendship cos a girl? wooooooo i wont wna start on this topic as i'm too lazy t type and if i were t type it would be oh so massive !

drugs; this powerful little substance can cause insanity in a person and thus hurting friendships. can th 'high' in drugs really bring happiness forever and is it really that enjoyable t get 'high' when u are taking th risk of getting hooked on it? have drug abusers ever thought of how their close friends feel when they do what they do? do they even care about how their family would feel if they were t find out? some take it t relieve their pain, some t run away from their problems and some take it just for pure enjoyment. but would all these temporary 'happiness' or 'relieve' help solve th problem or make u happy forever?

but no matter what you say or do they past can never come back and can only stay as memories. many a time we choose t live in th past and hope that it can be relived but it never comes true. everything; everyone is ever-changing. but are they changing for th better or th worse. worse to you or good t them? there's so many ways of looking at things. this past one year had made me look at life with different perspectives. wooooooo. ohwells.

somehow i really missed th times when i could go out anytime i liked; do anything that i wanted t do. but now due t school i can't do that. shatec almost killed my social life and i hardly have any chance t go out and enjoy but after all it was worth it cause it is laying th stepping stone towards my career. somehow i happy that i came into shatec as i'm doing much better in my school work compared t how i fared in secondary school. i'm at least putting in more effort into my school work now and somehow my efforts paid off. 3.5 point GPA ! wooo. but i'm afraid that i cant maintain it. lol. its like super fast and 9 months of school had passed means its only 3 more months till i step out t th industry as a trainee chef. somehow i can't wait for that t come but then again i dont wan it t come as that would seriously kill my social life. oh wells im gna have as much fun as possible before i head t attachment.

it's starting to get old,that story left untold
reflect before we walk into what we already know.
didn't try to fix what we thought were problems
staring at your reflection every day can make or break my heart away
when you won't listen to what's hard for me to say
and once again we're further away from what we never had
just run away with so much left to share.
we're much too young to throw away our cares
there's no sense in regretting what's been said in our yesterdays
we're getting backwards double, we can look ahead
and I would walk so much further just to know what I'm doing here
and there's no end to what i'd give, to know just what you meant when you said
how could I feel alive? when we can't help but break our backs just to survive?
is this another time we can't control our lives?

i decided i gotta move on and not look back anymore as it wouldnt help me in any way. no point hoping fr smth tht will never happen. i'm just gna move on and concentrate on my studies and soon enough my career. mannnnn i dont know how many years i would take t become a successful chef. i dont even want to think of it lol.

its been a year or so since he left and i'm still missing him. missing th time we shared together. i really wished that he never left cause he meant everything t me. when he left th pain was so unbearable really so unbearable. wah i can't believe it i'm actually tearing while i'm typing this. maybe somehow his departure wasnt so easy t forget after all. ah im nt gna continue about this topic as i'm on th verge of crying like a baby.

when I am down and oh my soul so weary

when troubles come and my heart burdened be

then I am still and wait here in the silence

until you come and sit awhile with me

YOU raise me up so I can stand on mountains

YOU raise me up to walk on stormy seas

I am strong when I am on YOUR shoulders

YOU raise me up to more than I can be

i miss you and love you =((; my dear ahkong <3

&& i'm still loving you. jolynn <3

2008-12-28T00:59:00.002+08:00

i'm bored, so i'm here blogging.

i gotta wake up and move on from this dream.

i got so much t say but i don't feel like typing it here.

emolation time ! woooooooooooooooooo !

感情已那么深; 叫我怎么能收手?

2008-12-25T22:56:00.003+08:00

what a interesting christmas !

woooooo. basically did nth but sleep. wooooooo.

im so bored !

damn i shall go organise my thoughts.

&& i'm still loving you; wong min'er, jolynn

2008-12-10T01:13:00.010+08:00

wooooooo. im feeling oh so good now. im like having fever and im waterfalling like nobody's business.

等待,我随时随地在等待;做你感情上的依赖
我没有任何的疑问;这是爱
我猜你早就想要说明白我觉得自己好失败
我愿意改变;重新再来一遍
我无法只是普通朋友;感情已那么深叫我怎么能收手?
但你说: 'i only want to be your friend' 做个朋友
我在你心中只是 just a friend; 不是情人
我感激你对我这样的坦白但我给你的爱暂时收不回来
so i 我不能只是 be your friend
明知不该去想;不能去想偏又想到迷惘
是谁让我心酸谁让我牵挂是你啊
我爱你是多么清楚多么坚固的信仰
我爱你是多么温暖多么勇敢的力量
我爱你是来自灵魂来自生命的力量
我不管心多伤,不管爱多慌,不管别人怎么想;爱是一种信仰.

its never possible t compromise between both a friendship and a relationship.

so why say i want you to be happy and follow your heart when things will always be th same? do you ever know by doing that you make me even more confused? follow my heart and it'll never go wrong? i followed my heart and everything went wrong. seeing your post that you wont ever have feelings back shattered my heart. i mean is there even a point saying t follow my heart if nth's gna change?well i ain't gna continue fooling myself anymore thinking tht theres a chance anymore cause aft all why wait fr somebody whos nt even there? why even bother asking whether you still hold that special place in my heart when it doesnt really matter after all?but i just wan t let u noe u will always hv tht special place in my heart. i really dont know what more t say at this point of time when everything seems so gloomy.

everyday you take time out to listen to me.you talk to me, smile at me, laugh with me, and have fun with me.well, I talk, smile and laugh too, but inside I'm hurting.Deep down it hurts to be with you because I love you and you are only a friend.th hardest part of dreaming about someone you love is having to wake up. moving on is simple,it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult. I may regret the way we ended, but I will never regret what we had.

part of loving someone is learning to let go and this time its really time t let go. no matter how much its gna hurt me i'm gna act as if i'm okay and move on. i just gna pretend that nth's happened t me and pretend tht everything is alright even though its not. it's gna be hard doing it but im still going t do it cause aft all tht is th most i can do fr u frm now on.i really hate doing this and i really wished tht i didnt choose this path but i dont wan any confusion any further. i can wait fr u as long as it takes but would it even make a wee bit of difference? if the end of it all, my heart would just be broken. i think i would rather try to forget you and me sharing the same feelings and if the end of it all i'd see myself waiting for someone who is not even there, i'd rather forget my love for you, even if it would hurt me so. wait wait wait! you didnt even share th same feelings after all. hahah. aft all i was just a fool for you. given time i'll forget but its gna take quite a while. may be days may be weeks may be months. i dont know.

aft much confusion, thoughts & consideration. its time t go & let go.

&&i'm still loving you =(

i was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that th mended whole was as good as new.what is broken is broken and i'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as i lived.

你始终没有爱过
你在敷衍我; 一次一次忽略我的感受
我真的感到力不从心无力继续
这种回忆不值得我提起
不值得想起不值得哭泣
这段感情早就应该放弃;早就不该让我浪费时间找奇迹
我决定不为你而毁了心;放弃爱你

&& there is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go

how can I lose something that I never had?

2008-12-03T10:41:00.005+08:00

woooooooooo time t blog !

i can't sleep th whole night and yes i'm going imh crazy ! wooooooooooooo !

love is patient,
love is kind.
it does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud.
it is not rude,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.

once upon a time, something happened to me,it was the sweetest thing, that could ever be,a fantasy, a dream come true, it was the day that I met you. The first time I saw you, I knew it was true,I'd love you forever and that’s what I'll do.You don't know what you do to me; you don't have a clue.You have no idea what it’s like to be me, looking at you.Why is it easy to fall in love and yet so hard to be loved back? Why should I feel such if destiny permits me not?Why do I have to fall if it's you I cant have?Why is there a you in me but never a me in you? If I hadn't met you,I wouldn't like you. If I didn't like you,I wouldn't love you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did,I do, and I will and I would never regret having done that.

th sun can have the sky and it wouldnt matter. th night can have its stars and i woudnt care.tomorrow can be majestic yet remain empty, for it simply wouldnt matter without you there. no more words no more lies let it go before it dies. hear th words hear th pain. the last of of ends in vain. sweet in start; bitter in end. hearts will break; never bend.crushes u get over, and the tears go away,but loving u is different, the tears will always stay.

the hardest part of loving someone is knowing when t let go,and knowing when t say goodbye. and yes its time t bid farewell to this love. I’m going t smile and make you think I’m happy,I’m going to laugh, so you don’t see me cry,I’m going t let you go in style, and even if it kills me-I’m going t smile. Often, times we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to.Though that doesn’t mean thatwe've stopped loving them or we've stopped to care.Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you. better never t have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are nt there.

wanting her is hard t get.
loving her is hard t regret.
losing her is hard t accept.
but with all the hurt I've felt, letting go is the most painful yet

nothing's gna change destiny, whatever's meant t be will work out perfectly.

&& i love you jolynn :(((((((((((((

my mind tells me to give up, but my heart won't let me.

time fr me t stop i dont wna say anything anymore. i need some time alone.

&& i only wished that there was more than that; about me & you.

2008-12-02T01:01:00.003+08:00

wooooooo. i just finished doing some work fr my ec. it took me like an hour or so. my god i cant believe that it actually took me that long lol.

well i'm here blogging cos i have quite a lot of thought running through my mind now.

its like hmmm i dont know, i really do not know which direction i should head to now. its like everything's so confusing. i dont even know i should carry on like that or just make up my mind and move on. i'm so afraid that if i were to something it would affect our relationship or even friendship. when i mentioned that we should just stay as friends, woah i did not know what got into me. its like i really really really HATE to say it but i still said it cos' i did not wan t see u hurt any further. i really hope i can be th one who cures th pains and hurts that u've been undergoing but somehow maybe im nt th one. its like maybe ure simple expectations of a christian boyfriend or a non-smoking boyfriend i cant even achieve that. i'm willing to change anything or maybe everything except my religion just fr you. well maybe we're meant not t be together, maybe it was a mistake; a big mistake. actually its not even a mistake t even fall fr u cos aft all its all worth it.its like everyday i dont know th first thing that comes into my mind is you you and you. maybe im turning psychotic; or im really psychotic.hahah. well maybe theres another guy meant fr u. someone who doesnt smoke,is a christian, can take care of you, not hurt you and most importantly love you better than me.

its really hard; its really hard for me t do th things i need t do. but by doing it will make me see you happy i will go all th way.sometimes i really wna say " i'm the one who wants t be wif you" but but but den again i cant say it cause it will only cause u more problems den of a help so yeah. but den again deep inside i hope you'll feel it too.arghhh. maybe in your heart i'm just a big brother and nothing more than that. i dont even mind being your spare tyre if u need one; as long u feel better i wouldnt mind being ure spare tyre fr th rest of my life.
&i really love you, it may sound damn fake or too fast t even say love but everything i say its from th bottom of my heart. however you may see it,i'm still gna say it i love you wong min'er, jolynn.

theres really so much i wna say or do but i just cant seem t do it. im really lost

alrights time fr me t go sleep. gotta wake up early t do work.

i don't know, should i stay or should i go?

2008-12-01T00:28:00.003+08:00

heyheyhey !

im back to blogging cause i have nothing better to do besides work now.

wooo its been a long time since i've ever blog cos im either too lazy or im too tired.so yeah here it goes.

th past one month a lot things had happened.

th stupid hdb still wants t take back the flat and that SUCKS?well i really do not know in what way i can help my family. i really dont know. im like a lost of what to do now?well fuck that if th time comes i may just go crazy,IMH CRAZY.woooooooo.

hahah now coming to school.ec's like next week ! omgomgomg! its like so fast la my god.im like so nervous and like so worried abt it la my god. its like th biggest event tht we've been planning fr so long is finally coming.now its like most of th preparation fr it has been done and we are waiting fr th actual day. well we shall see whats gna happen fr tht day.

i'm actually at a lost of what t do. really at a lost of what t do. maybe the 'like' had turned into love. its like i dont know man th feelings just keeps getting stronger. sometimes i dont know how t love a person and most importantly love you. its like sometimes i dunno how express my feelings or maybe i just overdo it.i really do not know what i can do to make u feel better. when u cried on th phone it really hurts me and made me feel damn helpless cos i cant even do a single bit fr you. if by stepping out will make you feel better and less troubled i would just do that cos i cant bear t see u cry. i'll do whatever it takes just to see you happy. maybe it was a mistake to even say that i like you. now that th like has turned into love i really dont know whats gna happen frm now on. but even if my heart should break,you'd be th best mistake i've made. well i dont know what to do and what t say.theres like so i wna say but words cant seem t come out of my mouth when i wna say it.ohwells.

&I REALLY LOVE YOU WONG MIN'ER, JOLYNN

you say hello;inside i'm screaming i love you
you talk t him; and it burns me like th sun
i talk t me; but you can hear th pain i feel. you dont know
& i only wished that there was more than that; about me and you

well i think i shall stop blogging here.i dont know what to post anymore.

2008-10-30T18:48:00.002+08:00

woooooohoooo.

im telling you i really do not noe which direction in life am i heading into now.im really damn lost now.deep down inside this fking mind of mine i hv alot of things tht are going through.it keeps running over and over and over and over again.its th same shit going on a different day.just as i thought this yr wuld be a better yr my family and i.but it just seems every year th situation gets worser and worser.nth ever changes; in fact it just turns worser and worser.

sometimes i really feel like shit bt i just put up a fake front infront of everybody.i really wna t talk t somebody and vent all my problems bt th problems are never ending.everytime when a major issue blows over, aft awhile another fking problem just pops out.im really sick and tired of this kinda life.im tired both physically and mentally.i'm wont blame my family but one person tht i will blame and never forgive is my father.he is fking hopeless as shit.everytime i see him i feel like just ending his fking life.firstly he failed miserably as a father he never ever fking took care of me.he is fking selfish, he puts himself first instead of th family.all these years since i was in primary school ive been hating him.th hate keeps getting stronger and stronger.th hate i hv fr him can never ever be described by words.many a time when my friends comes over my hse and they see th way i talk t my father they are shocked.they keep questioning why do i talk t him so rudely.if they know all th shit he had done only then they will noe how i feel. i really envy those ppl whose father care fr them and all.my father never ever gave a fucking shit abt me.when im sick he doesnt even fking show a fucking wee bit of concern.whether i do well or do bad in my studies he doesnt even noe.he can even fucking forget how old am i.tht is just fking great man.he does nt even show concern abt anything.he's so oblivious t th things tht is happening around him.im utterly dissappointed in him.he really hurt my heart;when your own blood father cant even remember your own birthday!so many years when im cutting my bday cake he just walks out of th room and say ' oh its your birthday ah'.tht did nt only happen one year;but it happened consecutively fr 6 fucking years.i cant even remember th last time tht he actually bought something fr me.he's really one fucking useless fuck.i really hate him;i really do.people always say no matter what he does he's still my father.no fucking chance in hell i will accept tht saying.now im on th verge of just disowning him and get him out of my fucking life and most importantly my family's life.i

do nt really noe what t say abt him on my part.my family used t be quite well to do.but ever since he fucked up.everything just went downhill all th way.we culd hv shifted t private property from hdb bt eventually nt only we did nt upgrade we in fact downgrade.fuck th past i dont really care anymore.im just gna move on and dont think anymore.life just sucks;it really just sucks.now l

ets move on to school.wooooooo its just too fking enjoyable.i do nt noe why bt this semester im putting my best into my work.maybe im trying t use work t forgot about my problems at home.well sometimes i really do not noe whether im over-reacting or what,maybe i just expect too much frm th team or i just give too much pressure etc.i really do not know what im really doing.i just want th best fr th team and maybe th best its just too pressurising fr them;for that im really sorry; really sorry team. i really do hope tht my team will get motivated aft th talk today. i do not know to them whether its just a waste of their 10mins of their life or what. ohwells.

well what is life really all about? is there really meaning behind life? some people look forward t having a better life,some people just wan t live life happily what is life to everybody?theres so many questions on life its never ending;never ever fucking ending.everybody has their own problems.so do we actually live life t face problems or what?do we live to die? but some people are dying to live?its really ironic. there's always th saying of ' the good begets good' which is so wrong. the good will never beget good. the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. that is th fact of life. people always say 'friends forever' but is it really forever? this is all making all th bad things sound good. friends come and go, and nothing lasts forever. i dont wna start on this topic again cause it would be never-ending.

well well somehow i'm having mixed feelings now. i did what i had to do and i have no regrets. but somehow i do nt know how t act in front of tht certain someone anymore. its like aiyah fk la i dont really know how t put it la.its just tak-tak-tak-tak-tak.i shall stop posting fr now. maybe when i have organised my thoughts den i'll blog again.

2008-10-06T16:56:00.002+08:00

fk this shit;i cant take it anymore.

i do not noe who t talk to and i dont really feel like talking t anybody so here i am again t blog.

just as when i thought tht things were going better. NOPE !

i had alot of thoughts running through my head and i cant find a way out so im here t vent my anger.

well th useless just gets more fucking useless.one good example;my father!

he cant even do a simple like washing clothing.every fucking time he washes my clothes he wuld just fuck it up and he 'accidentally' fucking bleaches th colour away.he cant even take care of such a simple thing let alone tk care of my family.i never did fucking ask him t tk care of my family bt th least he culd fucking do is t wash clothes right.im really enraged now and im really trying t keep my anger under control; fortunately it is now but soon enough it wont be.

i cant stand this useless father of mine.if i could kill him i fucking would.all these years he brought nothing but pain and misery t my beloved family.all these years my mother has been sufferering ever since she was with my father.he nt only make himself bankrupt bt also made my mother bankrupt.he made my mother suffer not only physically; but most importantly mentally.now my mother might turn blind and every day shes worried abt her condition.i really do nt noe hw t comfort my mother, i really feel useless as her son.she gave up so much;so fucking much fr this family and this is what she gets frm him.when his cpf was drained out he told my mom t use her cpf t pay fr th flat.now my mother doesnt even have money in her cpf fr herself.

th worser th better eh;now my family might nt even have a hse t live in.th fucking hdb wants t take back th flat cuz my mother have no money t pay fr th flat thus owing hdb a huge amount of money.this is just fucking great man.every fucking year it just gets worser.i do not noe what will happen after hdb claims back th flat.theres so many thoughts running through my head.i really do nt noe who t turn to.i think im going crazy. i might just go fucking crazy and just kill him.

i really hate him i really fucking do.i just fucking wished he would die.he and his fucking brothers and sisters all deserves t fucking land in hell.fuck them.so many years ive tolerated all th fucking nonsense frm his brothers and sister and especially;him!so many fucking times they made my mother sad and they made me sad.i cant fucking take this fucking bullshit anymore.so many times .all these fucking years he failed terribly as a duty of a father;a husband and most importantly;a fucking human being.he has only brought more and more trouble t my family especially these past few years.i really fucking hate him.many a time people say tht when u have a son he comes t take back what he had done fr u th previous life, but NO it is th fucking other way round.i do nt have th fucking mood t do anything at all now.i'm really enraged im really fucking livid.words cant fucking express how i feel.th hate i have fr him now is even stronger and it is getting stronger day by day.soon enough retribution will fucking fall on him and his siblings;i do nt noe whether i can wait fr tht day.i really hope tht tht day will come fucking soon cuz im abt t go fucking beserk.i just feel like taking a knife and end his fucking miserable life and end my family's misery.FUCK THIS SHIT !

its only another 10 more days till my grandpa's 1st death anniversary.i really miss my ahkong.no matter how fucked up i was; my grandpa still gave his 101% fr me.i really love him and i really miss him.i hope tht my life wuld end soon and i can go down and accompany him.

i hope th world really ends in dec21 2012.cuz no matter what u fucking do,th good people will never ever fucking get what they deserve.frm this day on th old brian is dead and a new brian is borned.theres no point being optimistic abt things cuz being optimistic is just running away frm reality.it does nt help u in any fucking way.i used t believe tht theres is always a hope in life;but now facts has just proven me time and again tht theres no fucking hope.there no fucking good side.

i do nt now what i did my previous life t deserve such a fucking useless father; he is here t take back what i had taken away frm him.i feel like saying alotta things bt i just cant really note it all down cuz theres simply too many things tht i want t say.

i shall end here and seeya again soon dear blog.

2008-02-29T23:47:00.000+08:00

hi all im bak into blogging.emo emo time.

well shall start wif my beloved ahkong,i really still miss him.everytime i dunno why wen i dont do anything i will think of him.i really miss him like fuck.i never ever wanted him to go.he was such a good man.such a good ahkong!i really wan him bak but its never gna be possible,i miss all th times tht we watched tv together,all th time tht he woke me up to ask me to go eat,all th times tht he comforted me wen i got scolded by my parents or sister.n many other things.i was never a good grandson to him a good grandfather.even wen he was bedridden in th hospital,wen i never visited him he wuld ask my mother whether i ate oredy or not.
i feel so fucking bad.tht i never ever treasured him.wen he was still around i wuld always scold him for giving tht useless son of his money.now wen hes gone i feel so fucking bad for scolding him.ive always wanted to bring him out to fish one day but tht day never came.it never ever fucking came.i never expected him to leave so fast n always said 'next time den bring him go'now i will never ever get a chance to bring him to go fishing.
everytime wen he asked me whether i wanted to go my uncle's hse i wuld say no cuz i dun enjoy going to his house anymore i wuld just tel him next tine next time.now wen hes gone i so very much want him to ask me whether i wan to go his house.many times he asked me to go lunch wif him i wuld say im going out n i just go out.now i so fucking regret th times i did that.im such a fucking cb,i never really did th things he wanted t do.now tht hes gone,i feel tht my room is so empty without him. im not used to some1 waking me up to eat breakfast,to wake up for school.i feel tht ive failed miserably as a grandson.
ive always wanted him to stay til at least wen i get my first proper job n enjoy th success of my life.but tis day oso never came.deep inside i feel down everyday but no1 noes tht i feel tis way.i really wan to talk to someone1 but i never get a chance to or rather im just too afraid to.even till now i didnt really talk to any1 about tis matter yet.sometimes i feel empty inside.everytime i wanted to go out my grandfather wuld ask me whether i have enough money or whether have i eaten.no1 will noe th pain i feel inside me now.i feel sad n angry at th same time.sometimes i really feel like committing suicide for failing my grandfather.
but i nvr didnhave th courage t do tht. no1 absolutely no1 can replace tis grandfather of mine i really hope tht does come bak one day give me a visit.there was one day i heard somebody coughing,it sounded much alike my grandpa's cough so i rushed into my room n see whether he was really there or wad.but wen i got there there was no one in th room.i was lying t myself thinking tht he was bak.sometimes i really do miss him like fuck.
everytime wen im alone i wuld just stay lay down on my bed n see his photos n just cry.i nvr wanted him t leave but now its just too late.its just too late t apologise. too late t do anything. fuck th world.nth's ever fucking fair.fuck all this shit.im never ever gna believe tht theres a hope in life every again.

im gna stop blogging here today.

im getting damn ()&(*&)*(^(*&^*&KLJIOU)(J)

ciaoboats.

2007-10-24T22:18:00.000+08:00

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it ok
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release Memory seep from my veins
Let me be empty and weightless
And maybe I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
Oh this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here !

its been one week plus since ahkong left.bt everytime wen i see his picture,i wil just start crying.its just nt brian lin t cry,bt i cant hold bak my tears.all the memories all the good n bad tht ive gone thru wif my grandpa.i really miss him.really fucking badly.i really do.i dunno who t confide in n i dunno who t talk to.sometimes i just feel like giving up everything n just go accompany him.now wen hes gone i finally realise hw impt he is t me.i really regret nt taking him out wen i culd n not talking t him more often.i really wna do alotta things wif him bt unfortunately i can now or in the future.i just feel empty without him now, im just... haiz i oso dunno wad t type.

i shall end my post today here.

zhaos.

2007-10-19T21:43:00.000+08:00

hi to all reading my blog.feel like blogging as i hav nth t do now.no mood t even play dota.

lets start wif tuesday.i woke up studied fr awhile den makaned.watch tv wif my sister den aft tht i receieved a call from my mother saying my grandfather is close t his last breath.so aft tht my sis and i rushed down t th hospital.it was like a 20mins ride,bt t me at tht time it was like a very very long ride down.so on the way there,my sis recieved a call frm my bro in law,my grandfather has passed away.at tht point i felt so fucking lost and sad.i wanted t hold my tears bak bt it came down like a waterfall.i couldnt believe tht my ahkong just left.i was at a lost fr words.wen my sister and i reached th hosp we rushed up t see my ahkong,bt unfortunately he isnt talking anymore.i culdnt hold bak anymore n i bursted out in tears.i was so sad,sad til i culdnt even say anything.aft tht th undertaker came and brought his body bak so they culd put th chemical inside t preserve his body.soon after that my family n i wen fr dinner so yeah.

on wed it was th first day of th wake.i was very tired i tried sleeping fr th whole nite since 3 plus till 7 plus.i was thinking of my ahkong.so wen finally got t sleep my mom woke me up at like 8 plus,she started scolding n shouting,i was like i didnt sleep last nite n she said its ure own fault fr nt sleeping n playing computer i was so fucking angry.bt nvm so i dragged myself into th toilet n bathed.so aft tht prepared th stuff fr th wake n arnd 11 plus my grandfather's body arrived and th ritual started.i wanted t hold my tears bak once again but culdnt,i cant accept th fact tht he passed away n i really really want him bak but i noe its not gna be possible.wen we went past th coffin i completely cried n culdnt hold bak any longer.i cant believe tht im now doing tis funeral fr my beloved ahkong.i was so fucking sad,sry i cant use any other description.so whole day i just stoned n stoned thinking abt my grandpa.arnd 12am desmond came n he paid his respects n yeah we went t th coffeeshop t slack slack n talk cock.did tht til like 4 plus we went up t play dota n aft tht we slept.

thurs i got woken up by desmond n it was like 11plus n he was suppose t leave at 6plus so we makaned our breakfast den i wen t bathe den he left fr home n i left fr my chemical prac exam.so i wen t my chem exam like at 1230 n i thought it was gna start at arnd 1 or wad den end up phaaaaaaap it was at 2.i was like wtf bt nvm so i did my paper n it finally ended n i walked bak home.was just in time fr th prayer n yeah.roughly at tht time terence,jerm n freddie were reaching my place so yeah nt long aft th prayer started they reached.so we slacked n talk til leon lim came n then aaron came.so aft awhile we decided t play badminton played fr like 30mins leon li came n den we played fr awhile more den i wen up t bathe.aft tht i went up t bathe n yeah.den i came down like 10mins aft tht casey,greg,zhenwen,xianwen,elvin,yatty and helmy came.shortly aft tht jia n venelyn came.talk cock slack slack den alexong den jothi n pornchai came.really appreciate them fr coming t my hse t pay respect t my grandfather.tank u all very very much.esp t elvin who lives all th way at jurong n th rest either near town or wad.we all talk cocked n slacked til like 12 plus den all of em left t catch th last bus or a cab home.aft sending them off i wen bak t clear up n sat down wif my cousins n family t talk cock.aft awhile i wen up t play dota n my cousin came into my room den he played oso.played fr awhile more den domtye came.really appreciated it wen tis fucker came,although he didnt have much money n culdnt really come he still came n accompanied me n paid respect t my grandfather.den we went up slacked played dota den aft tht he wen home i wen t sleep.

today woke up about 10plus bathed n makaned den it came t the time tht it was th last time fr me t see my grandfather.so th monk chanted n i managed t hold bak my tears.but wen it came t th time wen i had t send him off th temple i culdnt tank n bursted out in tears.all th way till we reached th temple.we prayed fr awhile n it was time t send him off fr cremation.wen he entered th furnace i culdnt help myself frm crying as it was th last time tht i was going t see him.so aft tht wen home t sleep n wake up fr tuition bt unfortunately i overslept so yeah.

it really hurts me deep inside as i indirectly cost his death n i had nth else i culd say or i culd do.i very much wan t go down t accompany him.so much so no one noes it.every1 keeps asking me whether im ok anot or wad.bt i hv to say im ok as i dun want them t worry fr me.bt deep inside of me i dun even feel a fucking bit ok.i cant accept th fact tht my beloved ahkong wen away.it was so sudden.so sudden tht i culdnt react in any other way bt just cry.i had so many things t say t him n talk t him about.so many things tht i always wanted t do wif him bt culdnt have a chance or rather i didnt bother t arrange it.now wen hes gone i really regret it so much so tht im on th verge of committing suicide.i really regretted all th times tht i didnt spend wif him n chose t go out wif my frens all th time tht i culd talk t him bt didnt.i so very much wanted an outing wif him t fishing bt didnt hav a chance to.i just feel tht im a fucking useless grandson n i dun deserve a ahkong like him.who gave all his best fr me n i didnt even giv my 1 percent fr him.i feel so fucking sad n dissappointed at myself.so fucking dissapointed.alot of times i wanted t talk t my frens aft my ahkong passed away bt i culdnt bring myself t talking t them as i knew i wuld start crying n i wuldnt wna do tht.so many things i wanted t share wif my grandfather bt i culdnt.he culdnt even wait til i had my first official job n he left.hes off t a place tht he finally can rest.hes off t th place so far tht i cant reach it.i really wan t go there n accompany him.really really wan t accompany him bt i just cant.i have so many thoughts in my mind now bt i just cant express it by talking neither by blogging.i feel so sad now tht i dun even wna continue typing anymore.

so i guess i shall stop here fr today.

i love you ahkong,
tanks fr all th times.

2007-08-27T20:49:00.000+08:00

hi all.

today was like any other day.except fr one thing.

today was th day tht th doctors said im gna lose my grandfather soon forever.

he suffering from lung cancer.n unfortunately we dont know what stage is it.cuz maybe if th doctors were to conduct a test he wuld oso go away.n they did an x-ray th found tht th tumour had spreaded into a large area.at tis moment im at a lost fr words.i dunno wad t say i dunno wad t do.th doctors said tht why dun we dun waste money on conducting any tests cuz it wuld bring him more misery n we shud just let him leave peacefully.

finally he can have a proper rest fr th rest of his life.doesnt need t work or do anything anymore.he can finally go to another paradise.bt unfortunately i wont be able t accompany him in th near future.n i wont be able to see him fr long long time soon.

i dont wna lose him bt i gotta let him go soon.i hate to do it bt it has a come t a time tht he has to move on t another chapter in his life.

i feel like talking t someone at this moment bt den again i dun feel like doing anything.arghhh fuck.

alrites i shall stop here fr nw.i dun wna carry on cuz it hurts nw.

2007-07-26T19:38:00.000+08:00

Hellos all.

so today's another fucked up day.cuz once again because of changi general hospital's 'good' service.my mother and i wen t th hospital today at 1130 t visit my grandfather.first thing wen we entered th ward th receptionist said tht its nt visiting hours so leave.i was like wtf bt nvm.den wen we walked t my grandfather's bed we found him nt there.so we wen t asked th nurse whr did my grandfather go to.den she was oh he wen fr operation oredy in th morning.i was fucking pissed off because th fucked up hospital said tht they wuld inform my family if my grandpa was going fr th op.i didnt blow up there as i was in th ward n didnt wan t disturb other patients.so we asked th nurse wen he wuld be bak den she told us tht there wuld nt be a confirmed time tht he wuld be bak.

so aft tht we left our contact details n wen down t th canteen t eat lunch.aft lunch we waited by my grandfather's bedside.we waited bt both my mother and i were too tired so we fell asleep.den abt an hr later i was woken up by my sister.she told us to go t th SICU.den i asked her whether my grandfather did th op oredy or nt her reply was no.she den told me tht she had to make a fuss before th hospital staff actually started finding where my grandfather was.den i was like wad in th fucking world is th fucking hospital doing.so we wen t th SICU t see my grandfather.he was so weak.he wanted t eat bt couldnt,he wanted t drink bt oso culdnt drink.i was fucking angry n sad.i wanted t blast at any of th hospital staff at tht moment den my brotherinlaw n sis said tht i shud do it aft my grandfather is discharged.

so i held my anger i kindly asked tht whr i can go find a person in charge t talk to.because i feel tht it is fucking fucking irresponsible to let at old man juz last minute inform him tht he has t go fr an op n his family members nt being there.i culd see my grandfather was very scared of anything tht th doctors do to him.let alone a fucking operation.i fucking wanted t blow up at tht time.

so i controlled my anger n wen t see my grandpa wen he was shifted to another ward..he was so weak,tired,hungry and thirsty.i very much wanted t go buy food and water fr him bt th fucking nurses said tht we had t wait till th doctors come n giv him a proper diagnosis.so aft like 45mins th fucking doctor finally came.so he gave my grandfather a checkup n found tht he has nt enough blood and had a minor heart attack.i was so fucking pissed at tht time.which old man wuldnt get an heart attack wen he is last minute informed tht he is going fr an op!n plus his family members are nt there i was fucking on th fucking verge of exploding.even wif my family arnd my grandfather wuld still be afraid of injections,changing of equipment etc.n they fucking didnt inform us n let him go fr th op n last minute cancelled it.HOW FUCKING IRRESPONSIBLE !

so aft tht th doctor said tht my grandfather culd eat so my sister n brotherinlaw wen down t buy food n drinks fr him.aft tht i wen outside th ward benches there t sit down as i couldnt bare to look at my grandfather because hes in this current situation.i sat there n there were many many thoughts running through my head at tht time.aft awhile i fell asleep.

wen i woke up i my sister n brotherinlaw came bak fr home oredy cuz they wen t go buy fruits fr my grandfather.den nw another doctor was there.so he told my sis n my brotherinlaw abt my grandpa's current situation.

so aft tht my broinlaw came out n tell us abt my grandpa's situation.he said tht my grandfather because he had an heart attack tis morning he is in high risk of taking th op.he said tht there wuld be more than a 50% chance tht we might LOSE MY GRANDFATHER.n we had th be mentally prepared.i was fuckin devastated. i was fucking confused fucking sad.i dun know wad t do at all.i really didnt noe wad t do.even nw i oso dunno wad t do.im damn frustrated angry confused n sad at th same time now.im very fucking lost nw.fucking fucking lost.some pls help me !

i never wanted t lose tis grandfather of mine.i can nvr find another like him.hes been taking care of me fr th pass 17 yrs.i dun wanna lose him i really really dun wna lose him pls.im willing t trade 10yrs of my life fr one year of his.fuck why must this happen t him n why must he be in such a fucked up hospital wif fucked up service n whr everything is fucked up !FUCK !walan eh im praying hard tht he wuld be fine aft tis week.pls.

alrites i dunno wad t post oredy im fucking lost nw n yeah seeya all.

2007-07-24T18:25:00.000+08:00

FUCK RAINY DAYS !

today's one of the most fucked up days of tis yr.my grandfather slip n fell down because of the slippery floor, thus causing him t break his hip-bone.he fell outside th cc.he went out actually t buy food fr me=(i shudnt hv fucking let him go.a stranger wrote a note n left it outside th door of my hse.den my mother woke me up n told me my grandfather fell down.i was like omg.so my mother and i rushed t th hospital.

we went to the a&e n yeah my grandfather was there.i wanted t rush in t go and see hws he doing.den th fucking nurse said tht only one person can go in at one time.i was like omfg.FUCK CHANGI GENERAL HOSPITAL.n i read th sign outside it said tht only 2 ppl are allowed in th a&e ward at one time.i was like wtf.den aft tht he was shifted t another department.finally i got t see him.i culd see he was in great pain.=((

aft tht he was admitted into th wards n yeah he was juz lying down.he couldnt even get up.i felt fucking guilty.fucking fucking guilty.so aft tht i stayed fr awhile to see wad th doctor had t say.n th said tht we hav t wait till th senior doctor t come give my grandfather a thorough check-up den they can see whether he is suitable fr th operation.aft tht i went home wif my sis n aft tht my sis told me nt t go bak n stay at home t rest cause i barely had an hour of sleep.so yeah i laid on my bed n kept thinking abt my grandfather.he cant eat or drink because th doctors said tht they had t wait fr th senior doctor t come see whether he can do an op before he can eat or even drink water.

i woke up n yeah first thing tht came into my mind was t call my sis t ask my grandfather hw was he.bt both my sis n brotherinlaw didnt pick up so i called my mom.den she said tht my grandfather had t go through a series of tests before he can do an operation n he had t wait 1-2hours before th test could be done.i was wtf.so yeah aft tht im here blogging.blogged fr awhile my sister called me t ask whether i called her den i was like yeah i called u.den she told me th same thing as wad my mother told me.aft tht she said tht ah kong is feeling very tired,hungry n he wants t take a piss bt cant piss anything out.wen i heard tht i was fucking sad.very fucking sad.den i requested t talk t my grandfather.he sounded so weak.tht made me feel very guilty and sad at th same time.i told him t nt move arnd too much in case he might injure himself during th process or wad.so yeah.

it fucking hurts me t see him in such pain n fucking hell he fell indirectly because of me.

i feel fucking guilty causing his fall n i feel like killing myself.it fucking sucks t see him in hospital i nvr ever wanted him t be admitted into th hospital.nowadays hes walking quite unsteabily.i fucking hate myself fr nt helping him go buy th food.i fucking regret it now.FUCK !i fucking love my grandfather n i dun wna see him hurt at all.hes been taking care of me since i was born.everytime i was at home in th morning he wuld ask me whether i wanted t eat n go out t buy food fr me.even though his down t his last $2 he wuld go out n spend th money FOR ME!wen i had no money he wuld giv me money t spend.wen i had no cigarettes he wuld buy fr me one pack.why th fuck must this happen t him !i really regretted nt waking up tis morning t buy or even to accompany him t buy.i fucking feel damn sad n guilty.theres a fucking kind of pain in my mind tht i can never desribe.its nt physically bt mentally.im really sry ah kong really really sorry.i swear i'll never let u walk alone again if im at home or wad.

i'm sorry ah kong,and i really love u.

thts all fr today.

-bye

2007-07-17T00:50:00.000+08:00

HELLOS ALL !

I'M BACK !

well well its been a mother long time since i last posted due t internet problems n computer problems.

bt nw i bak wif a sorta new comp !

hahah past four months hv been more or less th same.nth really changed n yeah.bt still there were still some nice memories.

study wise its been going smoothly n yeah.luckily theres some of my frens n tuition coming in nt my maths n science cant make it.so yeah many ppl's prelims are coming soon bt yeah i do nt hv a paper t gauge where i stand.sian1/2.well gotta work fucking hard fr th o's.dun wna fuck it up at all.

ahah fr th family side everything's getting better.my sis found a job my father treats us better nw n yeah.fucking feel good abt tht n yeah.although wad he has done was fucking bastard bt yeah aft all we're father n son.n its oso good t hear tht my mom's getting better so yeah.

well town hasnt really changed much.pretty much th same except fr th new dome ! my god its like wow.bt th some coms hv lag so yeah.bt at least theres air-con n yeah.dome is still as strict as ever during school days.bt nw th dota teams are like improving by th day so yeah.

well i myself i felt tht i hv changed in a sense aft i gt expelled.bt hahah i found out tht im still in th school records n if i were t appeal bak i wuld stand a chance t stay in barker.ohwells.ive changed in a sense tht im nt th old pessimistic bastard n yeah.n oso learnt t look at things frm different persepectives.bt im still quite hot-tempered at times n yeah i dunno hw t stop tht shit.well tht fucking sucks.o lvl chinese has just passed today n yeah i didnt really expected it t like come so fast.im like fucking afraid tht i wil fuckup my o's tis year n yeah im gna work hard on it.

oh yeah today wen t dom's hse t study aft listening compre.he asked me t go his hse cause he was doing some raid so yeah i wen there n yeah we played n played den phaaaaap didnt really do shit except like a few sums.bt at least i did more than tht fucker.n dom is like a fucking bully t his brother patrick la.damn fucking cb t him hahahah.bt i gotta admit th brother is irritating at times bt hes cute la so i mean like why cant dom juz giv way t him.den aft i left his hse on th bus.dom told me tht patrick told his father tht dom was using th tv as th computer screen den aft tht th father oso found dom's cigarettes so its like a massive bomb on dom la.no cigarettes n no comp.hahahah.

so yeah i shall end here today.cant really think wad t type.gt some brain clogging.

so tk care all n ciaoboats !

-briann'

=))

maybe its juz me or wad my yeah im nw rather sian cuz yeah theres like problem wif my d2 n yeah i cant load shit n tis situation sucks.

2007-03-26T22:26:00.000+08:00

okays i cant bloody hell login t blogger on my com=(
havent really been blogging cause goddamned blogger cant post on my comp!
its like wah so many things happening th past few wks.

i stil cant get over th fact tht one of my closest fren hv drifted so far apart frm us.i really really regard him as my younger brother.i dun wna see him fuckup his life by joining a gang.so many things tht i wan t say t him bt wen i cal him he nvr picks up.i really wan t see th old him n dun wna see th new him.seeing his frenster profile etc.posting abt his so-called brothers.it really hurt me.nvm if he nvr regarded me as an older brother or wad.its juz tht i cant see why is tis major change in him.it seems like i dont noe him anymore.its really really hurting.wad he does n everything.th was a time i fell out wif him bt casey nvr ever did giv up on him.den wen he started t come bak t us i really felt really happy.n yeah i wuld acc his flaws fr no one is perfect.his lvl of maturity is like zero bt nvm i wont mind helping him all th time bt does he even wan our help?i really do nt wan tis guy juz t go down th drain like tht.yes all th talking ive done has gone t waste bt as long as he goes bak t th correct path i wont mind sacrificing my time t talk t him over th phone fr hours t help him solve his problems.i wont even mind goin t his hse at upp bukit timah which is fucking far fr me t go talk t him.bt th least i culd expect frm him is just t fucking giv up n go th fucking wrong way.forgetting abt me is okay.bt hw bout casey?his primary school gd fren?i cant even compare t casey in his forgiving heart.casey has never ever gave up on tis fucker bt i did a few times.casey has also been hurt by wad th parents say abt him n us.its really hurting fr tht t come out frm his parents.like we're gna lead him t gangsterism etc.im like wtf.haiz im at a total lost of wad t do so i really gotta do some soul searching whether ive really failed as a fren t help him.PLEASE I WANNA SEE TH OLD KACHUA!
another fucking irritating fucker.ermmm gotta say its jj.he tinks hes so fucking matured wif his fucking immatured jokes n yeah.nt everybody can take his fucking nonsense n cb he tinks hes damn funny.he tink he can correct ppl wen he himself is so fucking immatured doing stupid stuff.hahah yeah every1 wuld commit mistakes bt nt tht kind of fucking stupid mistakes he make.he can talk all th fucking shit in th world bt hahah ppl can see his maturity lvl.n he n his fucking act hokkien peng lanjiao.fucking wan t be a fucking ah beng dun even noe hw t speak hokkien.simi lanjiao peng?kani na chiu cheng kia.if hes gna let his fucking cb cui of his run wild den yeah he wuld learn it th hard way someday la.im nt saying im a very likable person bt hahaha he himself shud fucking do some soul-searching on wad kind of fucked up person is he.wad brother brother?wad th fuck does he noe abt brother?hahahah.i dun wna say anymore la hes nt really one of my closest frens bt its juz tht i cant take his bullshit anymore.
okays finally im gna address th topic on myself.hai.fuck feel tht im juz a useless fucker.nvr made my family proud of me before.all th hopes tht were put on me were gone t waste.seriously in these past four yrs in my secondary school life ive nvr really done anything.hardly i studied n yeah.th only thing i did good was to go down my mother's stall t help out n thts all.n maybe a few part time jobs ive taken up.theres one point in my life i really wanted t join a gang t make quick cash n yeah.bt i noe i shud walk tht way cause i'll definitely hv no future once i get caught.i noe th only way i can repay them is t get good results fr my o lvls.its gna be a hard thing t do bt im goin t try my best.as i dun wna let my family n especially my mother down anymore.i really hate my father i really hate him.th hatred between him n i can never be measured.theres so many dissappointing things tht he had done t tis famly of mine.i really wna juz fuck him outta th family.th only reason why im stil calling him dad his because he gives me money.its fucking hurting t hear wad th fuck he had done in th past.i do nt wna do anything more man.im only standing on one thin line of exploding at him.juz one little small thing tht he do hurt my mother ima kill him.i cant understand y th fuck is he being manupilated by his sister.tht fucked up sister of his is th fucking mastermind behind everything tht has gone wrong in my family.in front of me shes like oh so nice den at th bak of me she starts fucking talking cock.i wanted t whack her bt im juz gna fall into her trap if i juz do tht.so yeah i believe wad goes arnd comes arnd.its damn pissing.i cant understand la hes a fucking grownup bt he cant think fr his fucking family or even fr his fucking self.i really dunno y i hv such a fucked up father.i cant blame anyone bt i swear im gna work my hardest t provide my mom n my family a better life!
another guy tht keeps me worried is my grandfather.tht useless fucking son of his keeps coming bak t ask frm my grandfather money.its like very fucking pissing i tried addressing t my grandfather abt tis topic bt he juz wont listen.im so fucking afraid tht fucker might con my grandfather or might even hurt him.he has oredy done it once n i do not wan history t repeat again.i swear if i ever see tht fucker again im gna hammer th fuck outta him n i make sure he wont ever get into contact wif my grandfather ever again!so SIM CHEE KIANG u better fucking watch out cause im coming fr u!

nxt abt my school.ahhhh fucking hell samuel eio has been giving me fucking bullshit cb cunt.fucker stil dun wna tak elvin n i outta th dc shit.fucking cb lang.ahhh fucking hell dun wna say anymore la.n fr rugby YAY i played my first tournament match against acsi.woah i swear they played hell dirty bt hahah they are nt th only ones who noes hw t play dirty=p hahah so played fr like 10-15 mins was quite fun.n yeah.

so ytd went town aft training wen t play a game of dota.so yeah me casey jia saac jotham sheng jj dhar leo n ven was at vs.slack jack fr awhile den we were at vs singing songs!hahah.den aft tht wen t centrepoint t look fr earpiece fr ven den end up cant find den we go s-11 makan.den aft th casey jia saac n i wen t bali hse t drink.den we poured out all th troubles we were facing.we were talking abt karma n yeah.WAD GOES ARND COMES ARND.hahah indeed tht statement is so fucking true.hahah.it was a short time bt it was good.felt btr n yeah.we sorta got closer aft tht.we didnt really hv alotta time t talk so yeah we decided t continue it at isaac's hse nxt friday n yeah we can talk cock frm night t morning.cuz th session at bali hse we had was far too short.so aft tht we wen seperate ways isaac n jia went home casey stayed over my hse.hahah he was watching some funny videos n yeah we wanted t block-shop bt phaaaap i waited fr him sooo long i cant tank den i went t slp.

today casey woke up had t chiong home cause his father scolded him so yeah.aftr tht wanted t go kovan bt was too late so stayed at home th whole day.studied fr like 2 hrs n yeah.so yeah nw im here blogging fucking bored.

so i tink i shall stop here today.got alotta more things t say bt yeah im quite bored n yeah theres quite alotta thoughts running thru my head nw.

so ciaoboats!
-briann=))

2007-03-07T12:29:00.000+08:00

HELLOS!!

finally aft a long long shithead time.bamm i am posting!hahah bt at isaac's hse.

well past few wks of school had been quite boring bt hahahah its ok.

certain things happened made me feel damn fucked up.like my grandfather as usual giving th useless son of his money.omg its like aiyah i oso dunno wad t say la.tis fucker last time fucking whacked my grandfather cuz he wanted money t take drugs.wtf la.i dunno wad t say la.tis grandfather treats me really really well.bt sometimes his thinking is really OFF.i cant bear t see him like waste his money on a useless fucker like his son.i rather he spend his money of 4d or wadever fuckshit.FUCK!aiyah wad t do life's juz like tht.

so basically wad ive been doin th past month is like wow boring.studying,rugby,studying laning n yeah.bt at least sometimes wen i spend time wif my frens its quite nice.enjoyable n yeah.

coming t th topic on frens.recently just found out tht one very fucking close fren of mine which i regard as a younger brother has really changed like fuck.n nt only tht he has joined a gang.fucking disappointed in him.its really uncalled fr n wad he said was like yeah he really wanted t join.isit tht fun being a gangster?i expected him t drift frm us again wen he went t yuhua bt i didnt expect tis drastic change within a short month!words cant describe hw disappointed n sad n at th same time hw angry i am.sometimes i blame myself fr nt being stern enough wif him bt den again its nt my failt cause i oredy had tried my fucking BEST t help him.since he wanted t change skul til nw.its like haiz.his parents too.just some fucked up things th school said abt us their viewpoint of us has changed 360degrees. they can like u noe say oh we are th older brothers n we are good ppl wadever fuckshit den aftr tht they think we are th fucking bad influence t his son.fucking hell we didnt even do anything n fucking hell he had turned fr th worst since he changed school t ymca.nw im really at a lost fr words t say.all th trust had been lost.BAM!hai.well i do nt wan t tok abt him anymore.fucking tiring.WHERE'S THE SHAUN CHUA IVE KNOWN?!

well i shall stop here nw cause i oso dunno wad t say.so yeah.anws hellos!

ciaoboats!

briann'

2007-01-21T15:25:00.000+08:00

hellos sons n daughters!

havent been blogging in a while cuz hv been quite shag lately.well past two wks hv been quite okay.nth much.

rugby,rugby matches,studying,slacking etc.okays ytd played acsi's b div B team.lost by a try wen we culd hv drawn wif them.oh wells.fucking referee as usual one biased motherfucker.may tht fucker burn.hahah.well aftr th match had some team talk den watched th acsi bdiv A team play against acjc.they were like fucking good bodoh.its like a standard tht we cant reach bt we'll try achieve it.den acjc lost by three tries.it was a nice match n yeah.

aftr tht went t a coffeeshop opposite acsi makaned wif whang jieh,daryl,xianwen n both randalls.aftr we makaned it started fucking pouring.den waited n waited n walked in th rain t th bus stop den wen town den slacked.waited fr awhile den casey came wif isaac.den slacked again.aftr tht dotaed.den slacked n slacked den pooled den dotaed den slacked.den pooled den zhaoboated home at arnd 11 plus.

reached home bathed den lied down on my bed den wanted t eat supper den was too tired so phaaaaaaaaaaaap fell asleep.

today woke up arnd 12 plus,well its been a long time since ive ever slept tis long.it was quite nice n yeah.so woke up washed up den watched tv.studied fr like 1hr den yeah im here blogging!nth better t do nw cuz studying's actually a fucking boring thing bt hv t do it cuz i dun wna fuck up my o's.okays i dunno wad t post oredy.quite lazy t type.heh.so yeah im gna go bak t studying nw sons!.

cyas!

briann'

2007-01-04T23:42:00.000+08:00

well well hellos!

mm.its like th second day of skul.hahah cant really believe it im nw a sec5.time really pasts damn fast.its like only yesterday tht i was sec 2.these four yrs hav been quite an interesting four years.got t noe many new ppl n yeah.made alotta new frens n yeah many many things had happened.so yeah lets start.

well skul hasnt really changed much,still th same old shit bt wif some new rules n shit.quite a boring day.didnt really do much in skul,during lessons only talking cock,arm-wrestling n stuff yeah.hahah well after skul wen t far east wif th usual grp n yeah helmy came along too.makaned there den saw jon wif his gf.den he was like"ccb u,brian why nvr go training?"i was damn shocked la.hahah den phaaap xw oso kena.aftr awhile wen t meridien played 2 games of dota won 1 lost 1.den aftr tht wen wif jotham t city hall t do something t our ez-link cards as we were being charged adults fares.

so after tht we wen t th toilet was waiting fr cubicles den let jotham go in first cuz he needed t release his bowels den yeah was waiting n waiting den finally there was a cubicle den phaap some chaoyang fart look-alike chiong in.i was like wtf la den phaaap scolded him bt didnt whack him cuz if i were t do tht i wuld get a record n yeah shit like tht.n he was like a faggot so yeah didnt really wan t n yeah.n wanted t change t be a better n improved brian tis year.hahah.aftr tht took mrt home den yeah.bathed slacked makaned den talk cock fr awhile den phaaap im here nw blogging!

okays fr some unknown reason ive sorta put down th girl i like oredy,bt bt bt i stil like her.hahah dunno why bt yeah.maybe its juz human.hahah.well gna take me some t forget abt her bt yeah i wuld sooner or later.

well i've finally put down somethings n yeah sorta come out of tht little world tht i've been living in.nt gna waste anymore time n yeah.

well hopefully th year 2007 wuld be a good year fr me.really wan t turn over a new leaf n yeah start afresh.gna commit myself into studies n rugby n yeah thts all.dun wna waste another year so yeah.know tht ive been fooling arnd th past 4 yrs n yeah its time fr me t wake up n start studying.i noe talk is cheap,its gna be hard fr me bt stil im gna chiong fr it.

so yeah i'll keep my blog short today cuz i needa sleep oredy so tk care all!

=))

briann'

2007-01-03T00:35:00.000+08:00

hellos!

havent been blogging fr th past two wks.been quite a busy n happening two wks.was also quite tired t blog so yeah.finally found a time nw t blog.

so th yr 2006 has oredy passed.many things had happened in tht yr.arguments/fights wif frens,having t appeal t go bak barker,mom's business screwing up,mom being admitted t th hospital,quarells wif my father n alotta shit.2006 is yr i think tht has made me seen through many things.it oso has made me learn many life lessons n oso noe alot of new ppl.it has also been quite a difficult yr fr my family cuz having t go through bankruptcy of mom,thus causing furniture in th hse t be confiscated by th bank.having alotta quarells n occasions tht i scolded my father n things he done tht has made me angry n sad.many other things oso hav made me break down.

seeing some of my frens nt make it bak t barker was quite a sad thing.on th day of collection of results i tot tht i wuld be one of those tht didnt make th mark fr th n lvl mark bt surprisingly i made it.so yeah on tht day helmy didnt make it n yeah helmy started crying den xw oso den i oso cant tank den cried.was quite sad t see helmy nt making.even though we're nt tht close bt stil yeah i stil cried.so yeah after tht i was occupied cuz i had t manage my mom's stall since she's sick n is in th hospital so i didnt really get t hang out much wif them.

fr my family it has really really been a tough year.so tough tht i almost gave up.everything or every1 is like at one point against me n i couldnt take it.
my father was one of th worst,he made me feel like shit n he did alotta things tht has either let th family or my mom or me,his son down.stil bein a fucking bum n dun really take care of th family.complaining or quarelling over small shit making my mom feel like shit thus making everyone else in th family feel th same.fucking walked out on th family n shit like tht.didnt even care fr my mom even wen she was terribly ill n can sleep away.quarelling wif my mom almost every wk,even during my n lvls.all th things tht he had done made me feel damn pressurized.really a damn great dissapointment at him as a father n most importantly as a husband.working wif him at th stall was a total nightmare.he hardly helps n juz laze arnd doing nth.theres was one time tht he made me so pissed tht i walked outta stall n juz wanted t giv up on everything.at tht point of time i really felt hw my mom feel all these yrs.all th fucked up treatment tht he has been giving her.n alotta of other shit he has done t my family.

my grandfather he keeps me damn worried everyday.his fucking useless son keeps coming bak wen we're nt arnd n pester him fr money.everyday i live t wry tht something wil happen t him.be it whether he gets whacked or conned.his one of persons tht dotes on me most n yeah i really dun wan anything t happen t him.its quite sad knowing tht his sense of judgement n somethings are failing n does stupid things.

my mom,fr th past yr shes been through alot.she being a bankrupt was a great blow t her,although she doesnt show it bt i noe deep in her heart she feels damn sad as her pride is high.no doubt most of th time she doesnt understand me n does alotta things tht make me very sad n break down.bt stil she has been putting up all th nonsense tht my father has been giving her all these yrs.shes juz hanging there purely fr me.i feel damn fucked up wen i cant do anything t improve her life or wadsoever.tis mom tht i hv no doubt she may be unreasonable bt shes stil one of th best.wen she was in th hospital,my uncle bought fr her bird's nest.den while she was eating it she said"wah first time can eat bird's nest like tht"it was only one simple sentence,bt it had alotta meaning behind it. wen i heard tht i felt damn useless n sad tht i as her son cant even provide such a simple thing as bird's nest fr her t eat.n wen she said tht there was many things running through my mind.i as her son didnt really do anything much t make her proud of so yeah.

my anda n sis,both of them oso hav gone through alot these past few yrs.n especially my sis she has gone through th most.no matter wad i did wrong or wad they wuld stil forgive me.their magnanimous heart they hav n th care n concern they show fr me theres really no way i can repay them.its like so many things they hav done fr me.i do not noe hw t tank them bt im gna try my best n get a good job n like give them a good treatment.

nw abt myself n tis yr as a whole.
well tis yr has been quite a life-experiencing/learning yr fr me.many things had happened fr me n my family.so many things tht had happened tht even i myself had almost wanted t giv up so many times.bt all these things hav sorta like made me "grow up" n in a sense made me more sensible.well thts th past n yeah 2007's gna be a new yr n hopefully a better year.

aight i shall stop here fr today so yeah anws happy new yr t one n all!

=))

briann'

2006-12-18T10:44:00.000+08:00

sian damn long nvr blog.wanted t blog at casey's hse bt phaaaap his internet explorer kept fucking up so yeah.

ok so lets start wif thurs

thurs

basically stayed home th whole day watched movies slack n had some deep thoughts.was quite somehow meaningful day bt yeah.so yeah watched windstruck n teared cuz th movie was quite touching.den yeah slacked slacked watched movie n yeah.den msned til like 11 plus den casey asked me whether i wna go fishing class wif him so yalah ive gt nth t do n yeah i wna spend more time wif my frens so yeah wen t his hse.chionged fr th last bus n yeah reached casey's hse.yat was oso there n yeah casey had t stay home n accompany his mom so greg,yatty n their father wen changi den casey n i slacked jacked.casey den wen t sleep den i ATTEMPTED t blog at casey's hse bt phaaaap keept getting some fucked up error frm IE den fuck it gave up n den d/led o2jam n play til like 6 plus den his father came n pick us up.

fri.

so we chionged t changi makaned breakfast den saw BAPOKS.wah cb fucking hell early morning kena tis kind of thing.hahahah.makan nasi lemak i was fucking good n yeah.so after tht wen t changi beach club there,greg they all knockout oredy.hahah all sleeping arnd den they woke up den makan den wen bak t slp haha.arnd 9 plus th kids came.hahah they are damn cute la.fucking funny so taught them hw t crab n shit.did tht til like 1 plus 2 den wen t th hawker center t makan lunch.after tht wen t training,me n xw were fucking late la.den phaaaap tio physical,sian 1/2.hahah gotta say my stamina fucking sucks.after training wen t town t meet casey n th rest at monster cue played a few games of pool den wen t slackden wen dome meet t go see th rest.played o2 jam den wen t bali hse t meet cam n ter.ter treated me a jug hw nice of him.heheh.at bali hse casey was behaving abnormally was quite worried fr him.well anws wen home after tht felt quite fucked up too.reached home bathed msned fr awhile den cant tank den wen t slp.

sat.woke up like at 1 plus den called ppl here n there t go out den phaaap most ppl stil sleeping or working.after tht arnd 4 plus casey called back den we decided t go alex's hse.delayed here n there den arnd 730 plus we reached his hse.dinner was gd n yeah quite a lotta funny things happened there.after tht we did th usual things we normally do n wen up slacked tok cock n played wif his ps3.it only hd one game bt it was quite fun hahah.after tht was deciding wheetyher t go home or not den phaaaap decided fr a stayover den asking was successful!stayed over den everybody knockout arnd 3 plus.so i was at his comp playing dota n o2jam!heh.did tht til like th morning arnd 8 plus den cant tank den phaaaap slept.i swear his air-con is fucking cold la,was like freezing n yeah.

sunday.

woke up at like arnd 11 plus,slacked den left his hse n wen t town.xw wanted t makan lunch den phaaaap after tht nvr n he wen home.so casey n i had some talks n yeah it was quite ermmmm hw t say.hahah i oso dunno hw t say.after tht wen t monster t play pool den wen t th footcourt t makan n casey kena cheated,wtf la one plate of indian rice 7 dollars.after tht wen t dome played 1v1s den phaaaap zhaoboat.den wen meridien talk again,talked til like 6 plus den wen home cuz my mother was quite worried so yeah.on th way home had alotta thoughts going through my brain n yeah.reached home,bathed den msned.after tht talked on th phone wif shaun n casey den phaaap talk t shaun den cant tank den wen t sleep.

today.woke up den yeah decided t blog n its like 5 more hrs t my result.feeling quite sian n nervous dunno whether am i gna hv one more yr in barker or wd.hope fr th best n expect th worse.

well fr th girl i like i oso hv alotta mixed feelings.i like her alot bt stil aiyah.i oso dunno.hoping fr th best n expecting th worse la.i dunno why do i like her so much,maybe its juz something wrong wif me.its like without fail almost every hour i wuld think of her.its damn stupid la i wna erase tis kind of thoughts frm my brain.i dunno why tis girl outta so many girls hv been on my mind fr th longest time.sounds retarded bt yeah.kinda wna get together wif her bt kinda dun wan oso.dunno why bt yeah i hv my reasons.hv many thoughts gg through my mind nw.i myself dunno why i like her so much.haiz.

well well so fast 18th of december has come.didnt expect it t arrive so fast.2 months again i stil tot it was a damn long time bt within a flash its oredy th day i hv t collect my results.thinking abt it its quite sian n yeah.thinking abt tht we hv t split up its really quite fucked up.really hope tis dun happen!i dun wan our grp t split up.if i were t leave barker today i wuld miss all th times i enjoyed wif them be it inside skul or outside,all th prank calls we made,stupid stuff we do.good or bad times.bt facts are facts n we gotta move on.i noe thts nt gg t be possible bt i stil hope fr it.thinking abt leaving my frens really makes me tear.im like crying while im typing tis.cant really t leave my frens bt stil.well its another 5 more hrs n yeah juz gotta wait til tht time t come.

2006-12-13T23:14:00.000+08:00

okays hellos didnt noe wd t write juz nw n yeah gna post nw.

so yeah listened music n slacked til like 1 plus den wanted t go meet greg den phaaaap dun nd oredy so after tht slacked again watched some videos .den after tht watched some movies n casey cant tank n wen t sleep.after like 30mins i oso cant tank n oso wen t sleep.after tht woke up like 9 plus den makaned dinner den sent casey off n yeah bak here.

so yeah thinking abt it long n hard really really long n hard these past few wks.although i hv oredy made up my mind bt i stil dunno why i stil like her so much.isit juz tht im despo or wd?i really wan t control my feelings bt i cant.its like everytime i try nt t tink of her n suddenly she wuld juz pop-out in my mind.its damn silly n i wna erase tht kind of thoughts.having many stupid dreams n yeah thinking tht we culd be together.wishing i culd be th one taking care of her bt stil noeing its nt going t be fucking possible.wen wil these kind of thoughts get outta my head?!its damn silly of me t post abt tis bt if i dun i oso hv no where else t let it out so yeah.

so fast december 18th 2006 is approaching.fr some of us it may be th last yr in barker.n i tink im one of them.thinking abt tht times we misbehave in class n all th fun really brings back fond memories.sometimes i wish tht all of us can juz make it bt yeah tht wuldnt be possible.all of th times we had be it quarrels,arguments,leparking,playing lan,fishing etc all of em has a differnt memories t be remember.stupid things tht happened tht made of us laugh n as together as a grp.i dun wan tis t be th last yr i hv in barker bt i dun tink i wil make it n yeah.thinking of all these memories really makes me feel damn sad cuz tht thought of us splitting up is damn sad.im sure all these times we had be it good or bad wil be etched deeply in our memories n i hope tht after monday we'll stil be as close as nw or even better closer.

alriteys i shall stop here gotta do some thinking.

tk care all.

-briann'

2006-12-13T11:46:00.000+08:00

havent been blogging th past few days.quite tired n yeah hv been quite busy wif some stuff so yeah shall post nw cuz i juz came bak frm th chalet.

monday.

alriteys woke up at like 7 bathed den wen t my mom's stall did th same things n yeah.left her stall arnd 1 den took a bus t police academy.den phaaaap alighted at th wrong bus-stop den walked th wrong way.hahah den took another bus t th correct entrance n yeah saw th ruggers there.so yeah xw n helmy oso came fr training after much persuasion hahah.so yeah trained here n there den training ended arnd 4 plus.so wen town t meet casey n shaun at meridien.finally saw shaun chua tht bugger.stil hasnt changed much n hes stil his old self.den slacked fr awhile den cheng,zaad n nickloh left.so we talk cock den aftr tht wen t hotel lobby fr awhile den we left fr home.so yeah helmy casey n shaun followed me home n we slacked fr awhile den helmy left den arnd 8 plus 9 we wen t th chalet.

reached there found th chalet fucking miserable bt stil acceptable.so yeah slacked n slacked talk cock played cards n yeah.didn some card readings fr ppl n yeah.after tht casey shaun n i had a talk regarding some things.was quite a short time bt yeah.casey was quite down cuz of some matters n culdnt really help him.so we talked cock n talked cock den i slept fr like 30mins den woke up n left fr rugby.

tuesday.

left fr rugby n yeah met helmy at th mrt n we wen straight t acsi.so yeah aj was there alone n soon after tht th team came.so after some warm-up n stuff th match started.at th second minute we scored a try bt unfortunately we missed th conversion.n den acsi scored like 5 mins b4 half-time n they were leading 7-5.second half i wen in n yeah played.th acsi fuckers played fucking dirty bt hahahah i oso played dirty.so yeah aftr tht my boots tore n asked coach t sub.coach den thought i was too tired or injured den didnt let me play.so i borrowed elton's boots n asked him whether i culd play again den he asked me t ask jon who i sub.den end up tht motherfucker didnt n yeah.so only played like 10mins.th referee was oso a motherfucker cb biased fuck.it was like a one-sided match cuz of th advantages he gave th acsi team.so yeah end up we lost th match 10-14.if we hadnt played conversions we wuld hv drawn.it was a good match n yeah we improved frm nyjc's game n played a much much better game. so after tht xw helmy n i wen t holland v t makan n after tht took a mrt home.wen home bathed den straightaway slept.so yeah slept frm like5 plus til seven.woke up there was like 10-20 missed calls den i was like oh jialat liao.hahah so after tht called helmy cuz he wanted t go t th chalet den he came my hse t slack n slacked t like 9 plus den wen t downtown east t meet xw.aft tht wen t th chalet n they were bbqing n yeah.after tht played cards again den celebrated donovan's n randall's bday.after tht th bbq screwed up big time n we had carbon sausages,chicken wings etc.hahah damn funny.jj all those decided t go walk walk bt i was too tired n didnt hv t mood t den yeah slept.

wed.

woke up washed up den yeah slacked den cleared up den checked out.so yeah wen home n casey is in my hse nw sleeping.n yeah im here blogging nth else i can really do.i shall blog tonight again n yeah.

things nw are quite fucked up n yeah somethings tht i cant really say bt its very fucked up.liking th girl so very much bt noeing its nt fucking possible.took a step out n yeah things are nt looking gd nw.sometimes i wish i culd kil myself cuz im too fucking stupid.aiyah wd t do.wish tht i can like stop liking her bt i cant juz seem to.time is wd i nd nw n yeah.gotta cool down n shit.

n lvls results is juz like 5 days away.im afraid i cant make it bt if i really cant i wuld oso hv t face it.somethings are also nt solved n its quite troubling.alrites i oso dunno wd t say gotta go do some self thinking again.

alriteys guys time t ciaoboats dunno wd t do nw.

tk care all.

-briann'

2006-12-11T00:54:00.000+08:00

sunday.

hellos t one n all.so yeah nth t do nw so yeah im gna post.

today woke up at arnd 10 plus,called xw bt he didnt pick up cuz we were supposed t go casey's hse t watch movies.so yeah makaned breakfast.den after tht slacked n slacked den xw msged me den casey msged oso den yeah bathed den zhao t mrt t meet xw.after tht took a bus den phaaap wen i juz reached th interchange th bus tht we wanted t take juz left.so yeah waited n den wen t casey's hse.

wen we reached his hse we saw his grandmother,his auntie n uncle n his mom.so yeah wen into his room slacked fr awhile den watched meet th parents.watched fr awhile den phaaaaap casey had t go meet his uncle n we had t leave so we left fr kovan t meet jason.reached kovan we saw them in th car again n yeah luckily didnt do tht thing we do.hahah so we xw n i were makaning n waiting fr jason t come.was quited sian den we played a game of dota den some stupid games n wen fr dinner.aftr awhile jason left den yeah was wif xw n yeah waited fr him t finish eating so we culd go.so yeah we took a bus home den we were playing guessing th award winner game fr th star awards.

so after tht reached home den bathed den yeah wen on msn den had a cal frm cam den called casey t ask whether shaun was gg fr th chalet tmr so after tht he put me in a conference n yeah trouble started.i being my usual self,heard something tht i didnt like n yeah sorta scolded one of his classmates.so yeah after th he asked me t hang up n yeah called me.had a talk wif him n yeah found out somethings tht he didnt like n yeah it was sorta like a wake up cal.things hv really gone tht bad til tht he has t tok t me in such a manner n yeah gotta do some soul-searching.

i really do wna change my hot-tempered attitude n some other shit.bt i really do nt noe whr t start frm.i really did try t change bt maybe its juz nt visible enough.i really do hate my current self,nt bein able t control my anger n in other words my mouth.its quite fucking stupid,i noe very clear abt wd i hv t change bt i juz cant seem t.isit really th saying tht ure heart does wd ure head dun wna do?i keep telling myself i wna change bt i juz simply cant.it seems so hard fr me juz t let things go in one ear n come out of th other,i wuld hv t argue my fucking way out n yeah.its really quite senseless doing all these n yeah i hv realised it bt stil nth much seems t change abt my behaviour.i noe these few months i havent been my usual self n yeah i cant really seem t tolerate almost anything nowadays.i juz hv t get it outta my chest n yeah den i wuld feel better.i oso cant seem t let my anger out in other ways n ive gotta do all these stupid things.wd casey hv said t me made quite alotta sense n yeah im tryin t change bt den i oso dunno wd t do.i swear i wil change nt only fr casey's sake,bt oso fr my family,my frens n most importantly myself.no use putting up a fake act juz t show ppl tht ive "changed" or wd.wad i really wan t do nw is only fr myself.n i dun wan tis current me anymore.it really sucks,i wuld rather be my old-self n juz lepark over small things n nt make it big like wd im doin nowadays.casey mark my words i wil change.though talk is cheap bt im gna prove it t u i can do it!

so it goes on tht tis day i wna juz giv up n try stop liking her.its getting t nowhere,noeing tht it wont hv any outcome.sometimes i really do wna talk t her bt yeah i juz wna forget her n juz dao her or show her attitude.ive gotta admit i stil like her alot at tis point of time,bt stil facts are facts n yeah ive gotta face it.its gna take me sometime bt yeah i wuld.juz hope tht she wuld lead a happy life n yeah thts wd im juz asking fr.okays so yeah i do nt wan t comment any further cuz i oso wan t do some thinking.

so yeah im really try n come out as th old brian.frm tis day onwards i swear i wuld change.so yeah ive gotta do alot of thinking abt myself as a person,fren n family member.other things i oso need some time t think it over so yeah seeya guys til den.

nitenite=))

-briann'

2006-12-09T00:53:00.000+08:00

fri.

hellos.didnt blog fr ytd cuz was too tired to so yeah.so yeah lets start wif thurs

thurs
morning wake up go market.den go another market den go mom's stall den wen fr rugby game at nanyang jc.so yeah reached there arnd 9 plus saw th team warming up n yeah.so after tht i oso warmed up n yeah.so match started n yeah had three 20-minutes half.den coach called me in n yeah i played!.hahah didnt expect t play bt yeah.so coach put me in 2nd row n yeah let th games begin.so throughout th match ive been kicking punching studding ppl.it was damn fun.den one time th referee saw me in action n wanted t red card me bt yeah after some kong talking he continued t match n let me play.nanyang was really trash n yeah.we only won by a try.coach was rather angry n yeah th whole team gt reprimanded so yeah.

after tht wen t casey's hse,waited like an hr til i can get him.den yeah slacked at his hse den was deciding whether t go out anot bt after tht we decided nt t.so yeah greg wen escape wif helmy n th rest.soon after his parents oso wen out so yeah.so we juz slacked jack tok cock n yeah.so after breaks here n there casey used th comp n yeah i was at first sitting on his bed den i started t lean against th wall den phaap lied down den slept.coulnt tank cuz i was damn tired.didnt really sleep well th past few wks.woke up saw him toking t his cousin den yeah slacked again den zhaoboat frm his hse.so yeah reached home bathed den watch tv den read book den slack den use msn.den talked on th phone fr awhile den phaaap zhaoboat go slp.

fri.

woke up bathed wen market den mom's stall den take a nap den do deliveries den hv lunch den th usual things.was learning hw t cook properly stil n yeah dom came fr awhile tok cock wif him den he ciaoboated den yeah continued t learn hw t cook n yeah.den did th usual things again den phaaap go home.wen home bathed wen online,tok on th phone den yeah here i am blogging nw.waiting fr terence t finish his game so tht cam can help me to my blog.hahah so yeah. den phaaap i tak boleh tank n go sleep liao.so yeah cam again didnt help me do my blog.sian.hahah.

so yeah hv been thinking abt it these few days.my minds kinda like in a whirl nw cuz i really dunno wad t do.its really damn merepe la.alotta things goin thru my mind nw.cant really seem t see thing properly.stil liking her bt yeah.i oso dunno la.sian

alrites today saturday woke up,bathed den fetched casey den wen town.slacked fr awhile here n there.played a few games of dota wen meridien slack.most ppl were in town n yeah.so arnd 9 plus everybody left den xw casey n i were talking some cock n yeah.so slacked til like 11 plus den wen home.reached home bathed den watched tv den yeah im here blogging.

so yeah thts basically hw my day passed.nth special juz ordinary n simple.n yeah im gna think over some things n yeah.n lvl results juz like 8 days away n yeah gotta admit im damn scared.alot things gotta think it through n yah.

stil thinking thru n yeah stil tinking.really la i like her la bt tak boleh chance sial.hahah.sian.nvm.

alrites time t ciaoboats.got some thinking i gotta do.so seeya.

-briann'

2006-12-06T22:14:00.000+08:00

wed.

so yeah last nite stayed up all nite watch tv,watched champions league n journey t th west.hahah watch til like 6 plus den phaaap cant tank go sleep.wanted t take a short nap bt th short nap was a long sleep.

woke up at like 3 plus,saw a hell lotta missed calls n yeah.so after tht bathed n wen down t my mom's stall t help out.so took a cab reached there n ah chuan da-ge n ah meng da-ge were taking their afternoon naps.after tht leparked abit den did deliveries n yeah.came bak makaned served a few customers den phaaap go home oredy.

so yeah came home bathed den leparked den watch tv n yeah nw im here blogging.cuz nth better t do.

clinging on t things tht im nt supposed t its quite stupid.i hope i can really juz forget abt her nw bt thts going t be like almost impossible nw.we're like two worlds apart be it physically or mentally.i stil dunno why im clinging on bt yeah im stil clinging on t it.its kinda stupid n yeah sooner or later im gna come t my senses.so yeah im gna take a step at a time.yeah try n try.its gna be hard bt im gna try n tank it n go through it.so yeah.

things between my family hv change slightly fr th better.my mom's no longer angry at me n yeah.so i hope things wuld really improve step by step.i believe bit by bit things wuld improve n yeah we'll hopefully hv a better life.so yeah i juz gna look on n nt look bak anymore.

ive thought long n hard these few days.feel tht theres many things ive gotta change abt myself n especially as a family member.sometimes u really cant make it on ure own.n yeah nw ive gotta understand myself better.nw im really trying hard t change myself.although its almost an impossible target bt stil im gna try.im gna try scale targets tht ive nvr tried b4 n yeah try t make th best outta me in tis period of my life.although theres also many other problems ive gotta worry abt bt stil ive gotta face it.im wna come out as th old brian tht every1 used t noe.th happy-go-lucky guy.im noe its gna be a hard thing t do bt stil im gg t try do it.ive many bad points n nt any good points abt myself.gna learn frm my past mistakes n yeah try t improve frm there.im juz going try t change la.i noe saying its easy nt im gna change!soon u'll see th old brian back again guys!

so yeah tmr's gna be another brand new day.so im gna look forward t it n yeah.

tk care all.

ciaoboats.

-briann'

2006-12-06T00:29:00.000+08:00

tuesday.

well started th day at like 1 plus,missed th rugby match cuz i overslept.was quite sick last nite so yeah.ermmmm really wanted t go fr th match bt my alarm didnt wake me up.quite fucked up.bt nvm thursday stil got another match so its ok.

so yeah woke up,washed up den yeah watched tv n makaned brunch.leparked til like 3 plus bathed den wen meet xw at mrt so we culd go alex's hse.so yeah on th way there talk cock den xw said go meet greg they all in town first.so yeah wen t PS first t look fr a mouthguard cuz keep getting whacked at th mouth area during training n im afraid my teeth wuld drop.hahah.so yeah walk here walk there den phaaaap cant find so yeah wen dome t meet casey n greg.

at dome saw quite a few ppl den stayed there fr awhile den left fr alex's hse.on th way there it was drizzling den phaaaaap heavy rain we reach his hse.so we asked him t open th gate fr us den wen we reached there we ran in.juz as we wen in alex's were getting umbrellas fr us bt too late.hahah we chionged den gt a little wet n yeah.so reached his hse dotaed a few games.quite fun n yeah wen t play a game called "in-between" wif greg,alex n xw n casey was playing dota.fucking hell at first i was like losing 5 bucks den phaaap win bak 20plus.was like damn happy la cuz if i didnt win i oso dunno hw sia..den time fr dinner,den yatty came.so yeah after dinner continued gambling bt tis time blackjack.so yeah won like another den in blackjack den phaaaap played in-between again den phaaap lost 5 den nvm.so yeah wen home like 20 plus richer cuz had t pay alex bak 10.

so yeah took a cab back home wif xw.on th way we were toking abt rugby n yeah.reached home like 11plus den bathed den tok cock on th phone fr awhile den nw nth better t do blog lor.

theres many things i wna say bt yeah i dunno hw t put it.th girl i like has quite alot of crap going on yeah thts quite fucked up.although noeing all tis shit i stil like sooo very fucking much.its quite fucked up la.i oso dunno hw nw la quite sian la.i noe myself tht i shud juz giv up bt i cant seem t do it.really damn cock la.til nw i stil can say i like her i like her n yeah i stil like her noeing tht i shud stop tis kind of thoughts.wads meant t be meant t be.i juz cant seem t let go of it.quite fucked up la.

was doing some soul-searching last nite.n yeah i stil cant really understand myself as a person.i cant even analyse myself properly.damn fucked up n yeah.i find many many flaws on myself n yeah.can accept it n wna change bt i noe i wont change.contraticting bt yes.stil dunno why im stil so fucking hot-tempered like nw.every little small thing i can get juz WOAH phaaap n yeah.its quite fucking stupid.i rather hv my old-self n it wuld make my day a better day.th way i tok t ppl nowadays are oso very sharp.i oso dunno why.i always ask myself 'wad hv i become' bt i cant seem t get th answer.its really quite fucked up la nw.i nw feel quite stupid,helpless,useless n oso hopeless.i really do wna change myself bt i dunno whr t start frm.theres like so many flaws in myself n i really dunno whr t start frm.sian1/2 la.aiyah hope i wuld sort tis out sooner or later la nt its going t be more fucked up as days go by.

alrites is time fr me t go nyeah.

ciaoboats

-briann.

2006-12-04T22:37:00.000+08:00

tuesday.

yeah hi im blogging even though im having a fucking high fever n bad headache.ok nvm abt lets start wif my day.

so yeah was at alex's hse til like 1230 den wen home.talked wif him fr awhile.shared abit here n there n yeah.so yeah tok cock den took a cab home.den phaaaaap i suddenly i realised i left my keys at his hse den phaaaap kena locked out.so last nite got stuck outside my hse fr quite long like arnd 2 plus den managed t get in th hse.den yeah talk cock on th phone wif cam n ter den phaaap cant tank den 4 plus den go sleep.

arnd six plus i juz suddenly woke up n den like 5 secs later xw called.den i was like wtf 630 oredy?den yeah greg called den yatty msged den phaaap chiong packed stuff fr training den wen t xw hse t meet him so tht his father's culd fetch us t greg's hse.den wen reach greg's hse greg was ready t leave den phaaap chiong t marina.on th way there greg had some fakeshit singer cds.fucking funny la they way th sing.xw was like laughing all th way n yeah.830 we reached marina den picked jia up frm th mrt den go t th fishing pond.wah yat actually tanked th whole nite there alone.so yeah once we came he caught a fish.hahah.so yeah catched fishes den phaaap alot of funny things happened la.had quite alot of fun there bt yeah had t leave fr training.so yeah left arnd 1 plus n phaaap th bus came juz on time.hahah.

at 1350 i met keith n elton at newton so we culd go police academy together.so yeah wen fr training so one sialan kao.tis fucker kept fucking staring n yeah wanted t soot him bt yeah held back fr a moment.den yeah trained n trained n yeah training was quite slack today cuz tmr gt a match against nyjc n yeah.so we are perfecting our line-outs,rugs n yeah alotta shit.so after training called greg cuz we were supposed t go t alex's hse bt phaaaap he said go there damn sian n he was at junyat's hse.den nvm called alex ask him t pass me my keys n yeah zhaoboated n left fr town.

on th bus saw tht sialan kao again n yeah he stared again so yeah culdnt tank n wanted t soot him den keith kept stopping me saying tht we were a team n yeah.bt phaaaap fuck care him i stil wen t soot tht fucker n gave him a piece of my mind.den yeah tht shithead apologised n yeah reached town.reach town oredy saw th usual grp outside n yeah.slacked here n there den rematched dom cuz he was juz dulan tht he cant win me n yeah once again i won him.after tht wen t prata shop wif alexong,leonli n dom.after their makan they decided t go home den phaaap i was deciding whether i wanted t go home anot den yeah wen home cuz i was like having a fever.

reach home n realised tht there was new furniture in th hse.was quite happy t see tht scene bt stil i hav like alot of things tht i wan t say out bt juz cant say it out.so yeah bathed den layed down on my bed.so yeah after tht dom called n yeah talked t him fr awhile n yeah.nw yeah i hav nth better t do n yeah im blogging.

so yeah til nw even though so many shit im going through nw im stil liking her.its quite a stupid thing t do at such a time bt yeah.many things i wna say bt yeah juz cant really find where t start frm.its like all in bits n pieces.its really quite fucked up nw la.so many ppl liking her.n yeah its quite dumb continue liking her noeing tht it wuld lead t nowhere.tis feeling really sucks shit.

ive found tht im nt th old brian tht i used t be one year back.so many things has happened n yeah nw i oso dunno why i cant juz control myself or rather my anger.every little i wuld juz get worked up n yeah.nowadays im so hot-tempered tht i cant even control myself like hw i did last time.n yeah nowadays i can hardly find my old cheery n happy-go-lucky self.nw everything seems like very serious t me n yeah keep thinking of things th serious way n nt juz think of th leparker way tht i used t think last time.toked t casey b4 n yeah asked him whether had i change over th past few months.n he said tht i changed t become a more mature guy bt also a more hot-tempered guy.i dun find myself matured or wad cuz its juz a normal 16 yr old wuld react n yeah juz dunno why sometimes ppl juz cant think tht way.its like is juz take a small little spark n yeah i wuld get motherfucking worked up n most of th times act on th impulse.i oso dunno why,tis is really quite fucked up.sometimes i wonder t myself wad has caused tis change t me.i cant really show my real self infront of ppl n yeah.

til nw,my family cant exactly understand me.on th way home juz nw in th bus i had alot of thoughts going through my mind its juz tht i cant really sort it out.everything really seems like a fucking mess.its really quite fucked up tis feeling.n nw yeah i feel even more fucked up cuz im sick.bt if i dun release it on my blog i hv no where else t release it.two weeks frm nw is th collect of my n level results.i wonder everyday whr wuld i end up,i really dun wna fuck up bt chances of me doing so is great cuz i juz loose all my focus n my mind wuld juz black out.wad has done has been done so ive gotta see whether i can reap wad i sown.th relationship between my mother n i has oso gone fr th worse,nw she hardly even talks t me.even wen she sees me im like invisible t her n yeah.alotta shit going through my fucked up brain nw.i cant even analyse things properly at tis moment.tis is really fucking stupid.i oso dunno wad has caused tis major change in me.i really do wna change bt i dont noe hw t.it seems like everything i do wuld always fail n yeah

i gotta do some soul-searching n yeah shall stop here.

ciaoboats

-briann'

2006-12-02T23:43:00.000+08:00

saturday.

okays havent been posting th past few days.so yeah shall write wd has happened.

thursday.ok i expected my mom t wake me up in th morning t go t th stall wif her bt yeah she didnt again.guess she's really pissed off.so yeah woke up arnd 3 plus stoned n yeah stoned there fr tht few hrs.dunno wd t do.so yeah thinking abt th past,present n yeah th future.had alot of thoughts goin through my mind.so yeah anda n sis came home n yeah ordered pizza.

after a while my mom came home.she was vomiting like hell bt yeah i didnt noe hw t go n approach her.so yeah juz heard her vomiting n vomiting in my heart i feel a very deep pain bt yeah i dunno why at th point of time i juz culd sit there n do nth.den after tht my sister came into room shouted at me n scolded me fr nt goin out t help my mom or at least show concern fr her wen she was vomiting.after tht my sis stormed outta th hse n my broinlaw chased after her.aft awhile they came bak n my sis asked me again why i didnt go out n comfort her wen she was vomiting.i culd only say i dunno cuz i really dunno hw t communicate wif her.everything i say seems t be wrong. i noe tht i wan t show concern fr her bt was afraid tht she was stil angry.no doubt my mom had say things tht hurt me bt shes stil my mom after all.n she scolded me n scolded me.i really dunno where or wad can i go or head t nw.it seems like every little thing i do seems t be wrong.i feel damn useless n yeah.thinking of wd th things my sister said n wad my mom said really sets me into tears.i culd only hide myself in my room n cry quietly.

juz den dom called n yeah tried t comfort me bt yeah didnt wan t trouble him n yeah told him i was okay.so i told jiayi t cal my hp so tht i culd solve their differences n yeah.bt it seems t no avail,dom in one hand is okay wif anything bt den again he says he cant be fucked wif wad she says.jiayi on th other hand cant or dunno wd t do,ask her if she culd forgive anot she kept saying no.so yeah concluded tht i oso cant do anything more t help n yeah she had t go n yeah talked t dom over th phone fr awhile.i oso duno wd had happened between these two very good frens.over one matter ONE matter they juz end their friendship like tis.aiyah i oso dunno la.they can do wadever they wan la bt i had oredy tried my best n yeah hope tht they culd be as close as last time or at least FRIENDS.

after tht shaun chua called,well well finally after a few months finally talked t tis bugger here.he seems th same,his laughter n all.felt really good talking t him after a long time.although tis guy had dissappointed me a few times bt stil i really do regard him as a younger brother.so we talked cock whole night n yeah it was a hell lotta fun,did alot of things n yeah it was juz FUN.after shaun hanged up called ter fr dota bt yeah he didnt wan t so yeah talked cock fr awhile n left th phone there cuz i culdnt tank n yeah wen t sleep.

FRIEDday.woke up arnd 11 plus n yeah called keith cuz he said he wanted t meet up b4 rugby traning.den tht bugger wait wait wait wait til 12 plus den he said he wasnt going cuz he was sick.sian1/2.den called elton t confirm th timing of training. n yeah so bathed n chionged outta hse cuz i was going t be late.so yeah took a bus t newton n yeah met elton there den took a cab to police academy.so saw all those sec1-3s.they looked damn fucking sialan n yeah.so nvm prepared fr training n yeah th coaches arrived.coach damien n other two young guys.didnt like their face at first bt yeah trained a little n found tht they were quite nice ppl.so training started arnd 230 n yeah did drills,a little conditioning n had a friendly match against each other.played abit found it quite fun bt tiring.keep having t go up n run here run there.fucking tiring bt yeah since i had interest so yeah juz tanked n tanked.after th mini-match had t do figure-8,do like 4 rnds my leg cant tank den phaaap kena cramp.hahah must be after a long time nvr exercise thts why tis happens.so yeah took a break,streched n tried continue running bt th cramps kept coming bak.den yeah after all tht shit did warm-down n yeah training FINALLY ended.

after training wen t shaun's hse t slack jack fr awhile wif casey.talked wif him a little n yeah had quite a good time.bt yeah his time was limited n yeah he had t go home after awhile.so casey n i talked fr awhile downstairs shaun's hse after he wen up.had a little talk n yeah.so yeah at least got a little of my mind bt stil yeah i stil feel like fuck.n yeah afr talking fr awhile wen t his father's shop t cut hair.cuz oredy den slacked abit n yeah decided t hv dinner wif casey n hes parents.so yeah makanded n wen t his hse t slack fr awhile.i tot arnd tht time my mom wuld cal me bt til den she hasnt so i think she has oredy given up hope on me oredy.so yeah slacked til like 11 plus den wanted t go home den casey n greg both asked me whether i wanted t go alexchan's hse t stay,was quite hesitant bt after awhile yeah wen there wif them.

so yeah wen there den his dog's were like barking like mad la.n yeah all of us were quite terrified.hahah den we triend t siam t dogs.bt it was fucking merepe la.so yeah wen in wen into a room slacked.den greg asked alex t beatbox.den he made some noises n yeah i culdnt tank n burst out in laughter,greg's facial expression was fucking stupid la.so yeah had quite a fun time n we watched movies,played mahjong,dota.den arnd 5 plus greg n casey knockouted n wen t bed.so alex n i were down there looking at some beatboxing performances n it was quite good.so yeah arnd 7 plus i wen t bathe n alex phaaaap go sleep.so i was left alone n yeah i played dota til like 10 plus n i culdnt tank n wen t sleep.was trying t find a place t sleep bt yeah culdnt n slept on th floor in th room,den phaaap it was too cold n found a chair outside his room n wen there t sleep.

TODAY.so yeah after tht few hrs of sleep which i didnt really enjoy cuz some voices keep waking me up.so yeah woked up arnd 1 plus,slacked fr awhile den yeah had lunch.wah his maid gt some kong maggi mee la,th soup was fucking nice n yeah after lunch we watched th longest yard,den halfway th grandfather came bak n yeah we had t stop so we wen bak up t his room.after tht we slacked n slacked dota here n there,talk cock n yeah xianwen n jia came.so after awhile we wen t swim n after dinner bathed had dinner n slacked watched soccer match n played dota.so all of us left arnd 10 plus n yeah im here blogging.so yeah ok finally completed wad i had been doin th past few days.

after all these fucking while.yeah i stil fucking like her.its really really quite i oso dunno hw t say la.i dunno it seems like so many ppl likes her too n yeah those ppl are better choices than me.i really hope tht i culd be th one fr her n yeah take care of her bt i noe tht i wuldnt even hav a chance..so i try wen i can t talk t her n giv her my advice.i wan t cared fr her bt i oso dunno hw t.it seems really awkard wen i try t do something like tht.no doubt i may nt be together wif her nw bt stil i wuld wna see her happy n thts all.really thts all.

after all these while i come t realise tht wad i had been doing all along is wrong t my family.be it helping my mom out at th stall or giving more than half of wad i hav or having t sacrifice time t juz to something fr them.isit tht im really tht useless?i really wonder real hard.nth i do nowadays seems t be right.every1 keeps scolding me n picking at me at th slightest mistake i do.isit really tht hard fr me t help out my family?isit really tht hard tht they hv such a incompetent n useless son/bro/broinlaw like me?yalah everything i do is wrong la.wadever things they do is correct la.i really giv up oredy.i oso dunno man.it seems like as days goes by it gets harder n harder fr me t communicate wif my family.isit really tht hard?i oso dunno la.i try my best t help n they say i dun giv a shit n they say tht im "this" n im "that".hah.i oso dunno why im here nw la.if they find me so useless why not they can juz fucking kick tis useless,incompetent n stupid family member outta th hse.hahah.

i shall stop here today.i oso dunno wad i can write.i got alotta thinking t do nw so yeah.

ciaoboats!

-briann'

2006-11-29T21:20:00.000+08:00

okays its wed oredy.

well time really passes damn fast i dun even today was wednesday la.maybe its like th same thing goin on everyday.so yeah nowadays it seems t be th same.

so ok lets start wif las nite,soon after i wen offline i wen t meet jotham at his hse so tht i culd hitch a ride frm him.so yeah met him at like 1030 den left like 5 mins after tht.den yeah reached marina at 11.yat came like 5 mins after tht.so yeah he came wif ven n yeah we fished.so yeah started unpacking th things n yeah recieved a call.so yeah den after talked on th phone fr awhile den yeah bak t fishing. so yat caught th first fish n yeah jotham owe's him a stick.lol.after a few more catches jotham's bro came,so his bro cast th rod n phaap within 10secs he caught a fish.damn tyco la bt it was damn funny.so yeah after tht jotham oso had th same thing happen t him. so yeah we oso bbqed n yeah.n yeah had quite alot of fun,some funny things happened n yeah.so basically spent th whole nite there n yeah left fr home arnd 6. so yeah slept til like 3 plus stoned n having some deep thoughts fr hours.

so tis morning i was expecting my mom t wake me up after my nap bt she didnt n juz wen off th stall without me.i think shes probably damn angry at me cuz i sneaked out last nite n yeah.

bt she doesnt understand tht nw im a teenager n i hv my frens n i wna go out.so yeah she gave me a scolding over th phone.n yeah she says i didnt giv a shit t even inform her tht i was going out.bt it is wen everytime i inform her tht i wan t stay out late or stayover she doesnt allow.den she says tht i dun care whether she wuld be worried anot n she says tht i dun giv a shit abt tis family.no doubt i admit i was in th wrong sneaking out bt she told me i dun giv a shit abt tis family it really really hurts me.i've been spending most of my time at th stall t help her n she says i dun even giv a shit?i giv her more than half my salary n she says i dun even giv a shit?wen i heard tht,i nearly broke down bt culdnt as i was in th public.so yeah controlled my emotions n acted normally.bt deep in i really wanted t cry,cuz she culd even say tht t me.she always look at me at my bad points n nt at my gd points.i dun mind tht bt everyday i get unnecessary scolding frm her n yeah i can do nth bt juz t stand there let her scold cuz shes my mom.bt whr can i release my stress at?sometimes i juz ask fr a small favour t go out she doesnt even allow me.is tht too much of me t ask fr?i really wonder alot?i oso dunno wd t say.sometimes tis is why i lose all th hope t carry on.i oso dunno hw t face her nw,shes outside nw bt i dun dare t go outta my room t even get water.so yeah i really dunno la.

n yeah nw i stil dunno why i stil like her so much,its seems tht theres is nt one day tht i can get ger off my mind.n i oso dunno why wen i talk t her i feel so happy.its really troubling me la.i cant like control myself nw.n yeah stil liking her alot even though telling myself over n over again it wont work out n yeah.AHHHHHH!

sometimes life can be sucha wretch.its doesnt always go th way u want.in fact most of th time it doesnt.damni really dunno wd t do nw.almost everything's in a mess nw.i really dunno la.ahhhhhhhhhhhh.FUCK!

alrites i shall stop here.

ciaoboats.

-briann

2006-11-28T22:05:00.000+08:00

tuesday.

alrites sons n daughters today is like 3 wks away frm th day i collect my n lvl results.dunno whr i'll end up after tht man.really dunno.

okays lets start wif my day,was quite tired t as i was tokin t ppl on th phone til like 3 plus den i culdnt tank den i wen t slp.so yeah woke up was fuckin tired den go market den go stall den i straightaway slept on th table.woke up arnd 11 plus den did th usual things den yeah.

after lunch wen t th bak played cards wif my chefs den yeah finally i learned hw t cook properly.suprisingly i didnt burn anything.well well bt stil yeah i cant hold th wok steadily so yeah gna work hard on tht though.

evening was like almost th same den yeah helped den arnd 6 plus wen t th bak n take a nap til 8.den yeah packed up den wen home so yeah yeah.

okays i oso dunno,saying is fucking easy la.tot tht i can really forget her bt fuck man i really cant.i tink shes like dunno hw t say la quite hard t forget.quite sian though.aiyah i oso duno wd t say la.i like her til like dunno hw t say la.fucking sian1/2.so yeah hopefully i'll come out wif a solution soon.cuz yeah tis cant really go on forever.so yeah til den i stil like her loads.hahah.

okays stop here oredy.

ciaoboats every1.

-briann'

2006-11-27T22:05:00.000+08:00

okok today finally i post early,ok so today began th new wk bt wif a bad start.business wasnt good at all in fact it was bad.haiz.den yeah did th same thing in th morning til th end of lunch time.den yeah practiced tossing on th wok n yeah find it quite easy nw after a few wks of hard training.bt stil i cant turn th wok properly i think maybe its bcuz my finger power is too weak.

so yeah did tht til like evening time wen th dinner crowd comes in.den yeah my mom once again pissed me off.ask her clearly 3 times where is th guy bt stil she directed me t th wrong table n scolded me.den yeah culd only sit there n cant retaliate cuz if i do i wuld nt noe wd th consequences wuld be.so i wen t th bak n take a smoke n yeah felt slightly better bt stil feeling quite fucked up so yeah smoked n smoked den wen t take a break at th bak.den yeah cooled down n wen bak t th front n yeah.den saw my dad buying th chefs 2 bottles of beers was quite surprised so yeah suspected something.so wen t th bak talked t them n found out he striked lottery.it was quite a few Ks bt wen i asked him he act dumb n say oh once in a while cia them.so yeah wondering why is he such a selfish bastard.hes fucking useless n i oso dunno wd t say la.juz fucking dissappointed la.got too many things t say bt words juz cant express it.hai.

so yeah reached home den yeah relaxed fr awhile,toked t my sis n broinlaw den yeah.so yeah wen in t check my hp cuz i heard th missed call/msg beep tone.den yeah saw jiayi's no. so yeah den called her.den yeah she had problems wif dom n yeah gotta admit im th main cause of it.cuz if i didnt tel dom wd t say nth wuld actually happen cuz even if dom were t msg himself he wuldnt type as harshly as wad i said.so yeah haiz so ermmmm yeah she said tht she wont forgive dom n yeah so told her juz t forgive dom n yeah den blocked her.den dom's oso idiot saying tht he cant be fucked.so yalah i oso dunno wd t say la.so nw tokin t dom on th phone n yeah oso dunno wd t do la.

aiyah so yeah i think tis is gna be th starting of th ending of my liking of her.dunno yeah in a sense its better i THINK.hahah.dunno whether isit th right choice anot.aiyah i oso dunno whether really i wuld stop liking anot.fucking really like her alot la.sian la.really sian la.aiyah put all these things aside ba.

alrites i shal stop here.

ciaoboats.
-briann'

2006-11-27T00:03:00.000+08:00

sometimes i feel like i dun hav a partner
sometimes i feel like my only fren
is th city i live in
loney as i am
together we cry.
i dun ever wanna feel like i did that day
take me t place i love
take me all the way.
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair.
what hav i become
my SWEETEST frens
dun make me feel like giving up
good humour is th health of soul,
sadness is its poison

People
You can never change the way they feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they willIf you let them
Steal your heart from you
PeopleWill always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew I loved you
I should have seen love through

You are far
I'm never gonna be your star
I'll pick up the pieces
to mend my heart
But remember this
Long as we both live
when you need the hand of another man
one you really can surrender with
I will wait for you like I always do
there's something there
that can't compare with any other

You're lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft
There is nothing for me
but to love you
With each word your tenderness grows
Tearing my fears apart
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose
It touches my foolish foolish heart

I can only give you love that lasts forever,
And a promise to be near each time you call.
And the only heart I own
For you and you alone

2006-11-26T23:16:00.000+08:00

moonday.

hihhi soot nia im bak t posting,past few days was too tired to den phaaap go sleep.

okok so lets start wif friday.ermmmm as usual wen t my mom's stall t help.bt tis wk was a fucking bad wk cuz business has been bad.didnt even manage t break even.sian1/2 so yeah friday did th same routine den afternoon continued learning frm th chef hw t cook.hahah nw can learn hw t toss oredy.quite hard la oso dunno why i can toss holding th wok in th air bt nt on th stove.bt yeah gna practice cuz practice makes perfect.so yeah practiced n practiced den tok cock den work den go home.den bathed den after tht talked t dom fr awhile.he can be such a idiot at times,told him tht i was toking seriously den he stil anyhow whack.so yeah talked t him bout a few things n yeah den wen t slp.

sat.woke up 12 plus den delayed til like 2 plus den left my hse t meet casey at his hse.den after tht slacked fr awhile den it started raining so we decided t play wif th ps2 den play play play play until 5 plus den we forgot tht we had t meet xw.bt gotta admit PES is fucking fun.hahah den phaaaaap merepe took a cab down n meet him.bt by th time we reached it was too late n he did nt hav enough time t play den casey n i played 1v1 cuz everyone else either playing o2jam or dont wan t play.town was quite empty today.so yeah played 2 games of 1v1 den casey had t go den yeah wen t makan wif yat n kw cuz th rest had left.after makaning we wen bak dome t challenge ppl den phaaaaap got a challenge bt it was 3v4 den after 5 mins later amir came so it was 4v4.den phaaaaap we whooped their candy ass.hahaha was quite a fun match.den after tht played uther's party it was fucking fun la den play til like 1030 den we all left.so yeah shared a cab home wif kw.den yeah wen home bathed den logged msn,checked mail,friendster etc. den after tht jia called me den talk cock fr awhile den phaaap i fell asleep hahah.den yat asked me whether wan t go pasir ris crabbing den we asked jia den phaap he said tmr morning den tel us.

sunday.
so yeah woke up like 12plus cuz yatty's msg woke me up.den msged jia den he say cant come den keep persuading den he said arnd 4 plus he cal us bak.den phaaap 5 plus he msged say he cant come.den sian1/2 onli yat n i were there.so yeah fished n fished,tok cock n tok cock etc.den arnd 7 plus came tis fucker anyhow sia he,fucking he anyhow cast den kena our line fucking alot of times la.cb sian den keep having t untie n untie.after tht onli caught one fish den phaap i had t go home cuz of time constrains.so yeah booked a cab den chionged home.reach home bathe watch tv fr awhile den bathed den yeah im here blogging nw.dunno wd time gna sleep,damn bored nw.so yeah thinking of something t do.so yeah slacking jacking nw.

okok dunno why im repeating myself bt yeah think tht if i dun say it out i cant tank.cb fucking hell i stil like her a hell lot.its really damn dumb la.she oredy had told me tht we only could be bestest best frens bt yeah here am i stil liking her.cb dumb la.walan eh wonder wen i'll get over her.think tht it wuld be a long long time more.ohwells fr nw better nt do anything stupid.

okok i shall stop posting oredy.gotta do other stuff.

so yeah ciaoboats!

-briann'

2006-11-23T22:51:00.000+08:00

thursday oredy.

well well today's oredy thurs damn fast la.time really passes very fast.i had oredy completed my part time n yeah bak t helping my mom at th stall.nw as usual looking fr more part-time.tryin t help tis family as much as possible.haiz sian

so today did th same thing blah blah blah.bt business hasnt been good at all.in fact it has been bad.fucking bad.cant even cover up costs n we're losing money again.its really quite sian t see tht juz as wen i tot tht things were gg t change fr th better it suddenly juz came t a halt.i oso dunno wd t do nw.things are really bad nw.sian1/2.so yeah afternoon continued t practise holding th wok n stuff.den yeah slacked n slacked den yeah time t go home.
i oso dunno whether i shud head tis path tht i dun wna walk,although its gna ruin my future bt as long as u provides me money fast i dun mind.i really dunno whr i'll head t.my mind nw is really in a whirl.i really dunno whr im gg la.feeling damn helpless nw n fucked up la.

th person i like nw is oso goin thru quite a few problems.i noe i can help her n wna be th one t stand by her n lend her a shoulder wen she nds one bt i noe its nt gg t come tht we'll be together.th more i help her th more i seem t like her.so i decided nt to cuz i dun wan t put myself into a deeper hole.hopefully she'll be able t get through it la.i oso dunno wd t say t myself la.im gg t try forget abt her.i noe its goin t be hard bt stil yeah.

so im gna stop here so seeya folks another time.

-ciaoboats

briann'

2006-11-23T00:04:00.000+08:00

ok back t blogging again.rather sian nw.past few days nvr blog was too tired t.

alrites shall start on monday.ermmm wen t th stall as usual den did th same thing again den wen t town t caseygreg's hse den wen t ttsh t visit his grandma n den wen t kovan.played a few games of dota.den elvin wen home wif me den was supposed t ton somewhr bt as usual it got screwed up n yeah so talk cock wif him til 3 plus den wen t slp as we had t go t skul n do CIP.

so yeah tuesday elvin had a hard time waking me up i delayed like 1 hr plus den met up wif xw at pasir ris den wen t skul.den started doin wif xianwen elvin leo n yatty.do like 1hr plus den greg dhar n jia came.so we splitted up den me greg jia wen t one room.den blasted th music like siao den i was singing some hokkien song den phaaap mrs. xiao was behind me felt damn malu la.ohwells so yeah cleaned n cleaned den wen t town t play a few games of dota den yeah slacked n slacked.den was deciding t go MOS anot cuz jiayi culd giv us free tickets. was quite sian abt it den yeah slack slack think think fr awhile den yeah slacked fr awhile den decided nt t pangseh xw den wen t weihoe's hse.before stepping into his hse his dog rushed out n barked like siao la.was quite scared lol bt after awhile th dog kept quiet.after tht we wen down played some soccer til ppl upstairs asked us t stop.perspired like fuck la was like dripping wet den dried up n walked t th coffeeshop t hv supper den saw some guailan nerds.wanted t tio wif them bt greg asked me t stop so yeah didnt in th end.so yeah den cam called me.hahah fun fun.told her i was at MOS cuz i tot she didnt go out den phaaap she was there.so i told her i was in th club n was dancing.hahaha den passed th phone t casey n casey said tht we were on a vip table n was at th north entrance n had a lampost sign called lorong liput.den couldnt tank n then laughed den she was like fuckin furious n yeah den hanged up.so after awhile we wen bak up bathed den casey n i wen t th staircase as we couldnt smoke in his hse.so two of us talked n talked frm like 2 plus til like 4 plus.didnt nw we talked so long la.had a good talk shared both of our family problems,he didnt noe some of th things n yeah.den greg came out den oso talked t him fr awhile den yeah we oso shared both of our problems.den talked n talked den jia n isaac came.den yeah stopped cuz we didnt wan many ppl t noe abt it n wanted t keep it t ourselves.so yeah talk cock fr awhile den wen bak t th hse took a 30min nap den left wif casey.den took a cab sent him home den talked on th way t his hse.he was fucking worried abt whether he was gna retain.told him nt t be so pessimistic cuz theres always some1 lousier than him which is me.so yeah asked him t rest a few hours n nt t tink so much n charge up some energy t tok t lao ng later in th morning.so yeah den i headed home den immediately had t leave fr th market den did th same thing again etc.so called yeah msged casey n wished him all th best.den he msged me bak"gime a cal before i die"so yeah called him den he told me tht he retained,fr a moment was fucking shocked den he said fuck u n he promoted!seeing him promote makes me feel happy.bt den it shows me hw useless am i.well well.den after lunch was too tired n juz slept on th table slept til like 7 plus.den woke up hv dinner den wen home.den slacked watched tv den yeah blogging n chatting online nw.dunno wd time im gna sleep.

so yeah im stil thinking of her at tis point of time.aiyah dunno wd t say la really feel fucking stupid la.like her so much bt everytime i see her i got nth t say.sian la.n yeah dunno why i stil like her noeing so many times tht its nt gg t be possible.dunno la sian la.wah!I REALLY DO LIKE HER LA!sian la fuck la.
got alot of tots gg on in my mind nw.knn sian1/2 oso dunno wd t do nw la.father as usual giving my mom problems.feel like ending his fucking miserable life n end all of our miseries.den hv t wait almost a month more til th n lvl results come out.really scared tht i cant make it bt stil yeah expecting th worse n hoping fr th best.wonder whether 2006 wuld be my last yr in barker or wd.if i leave i wuld really miss all my frens there.hopefully i can make it ba.dunno whr i'll end up after dec18.really feeling damn fuckedup nw.haiz.den oso dunno wen wil things improve fr my family.thinking t walk a path tht i asked my frens nt t walk before alot of times.its gna be stupid n ruining my future bt as long as it makes quick n fast bucks fr my family i dun mind.

ok i shall end here today.gotta sleep so yeah.

-ciaoboats=)

2006-11-18T02:45:00.000+08:00

239am.

okok yeah dunno why im stil up at tis time.supposed t be like sleeping nw bt yeah cant seem t though.so yeah gna blog.

so ok past two days been working at th warehouse sale at expo.lets start wif thursday.ok reported at th expo at 830 even though was supposed t report at 9 n yeah.so yeah slacked arnd den yeah started work.th expo was bloody hot,th aircon wasnt turned on so yeah everyone there was drippin wet.so yeah juz carried n packed books th whole day,surprisingly didnt feel shag at all.den yeah 4 plus trade ppl came in th shop as it was onli a preview.so yeah worked n worked n gotta noe a few ppl here n there.reach home bathe,watch tv den wen t slp.

so yeah today waked up earlier t hv breakfast at home n watched a little bit of sunwukong n yeah wen t work again.well today wasnt as hot as ytd.n yeah wen th doors open fr business ppl came in like ants.didnt expect so many ppl though cuz its was th first day.so yeah though aircon was turned on at den bt its better than nth.n yeah move stuff here n there help customers carry books n yeah.n yeah one customer gav me tips fr helping her carry.was surprised though bt yeah.didnt wan t acc bt she forced it t me so yeah i accepted it.so yeah been moving arnd today rather than packing bks n at least wen packing books can sit.today feel damn shag.legs damn tired,wen gt a chance t sit down i wuld try to.hahah lol.so yeah worked n worked n every1 keeps asking me whether im ok anot,dunno why though cuz they said tht i was looking very bad.nw havin a cold so yeah drinking hell lots of water.n yeah worked n den wen home n bathed den watched tv n den yeah came online t chat. so yeah til nw dunno why cant slp so yeah decided t blog.

okok so yeah stil dunno why keep thinking of her its really damn damn cock la.keep tellin myself tht everyday bt yeah dont really seem t get tht tot off.its really damn stupid la like her alot noeing tht its nt possible.tsktsk dunno why am i stil doin tis after such a long time.so yeah juz kept thinking of her n yeah.so yeah gna juz juz keep it tis way. haiz.

so yeah dunno wd t blog oredy so gna juz end here fr tday.
so take care t all th ppl tht has been viewing my blog.

-tanks

--ciaoboats=)

2006-11-16T00:49:00.000+08:00

i hurt myself today,

t see if i stil feel.

i focus on th pain

th onli thing thts real

beneath th stains of time,

th feelings disappear.

u are some1 else

i am stil rite here.

what hav i become?

my sweetest fren!

every1 i noe goes away in th end.

i wil let down,

i wil make u hurt

if i could start again,

a million miles away.

i wuld keep myself

n i wuld find a way.

my heart is heavy

heavy like a rock

bt i am so amused

tht ure still in my thoughts!

isit possible?
tht someone like u can complete me?
i've treated u wrong sometimes
bt everyone makes mistakes.
and ure nt one of mine

cuz i wanna make u smile,

whenever u sad.

cuz after all i think tht im nt tht bad.

so yeah fr u,

im willing t go th extra mile.

2006-11-16T00:23:00.000+08:00

hellos hellos.

yeah once again i bak t bloggin th past few days.feel tht bloggin sorta helps relieves my mind,dunno why though.

so yeah doin th thing i usually do.wake up go market,den go mom's stall den slp fr awhile den wake up do delivery den help out.tday daytime business was good again.made arnd th same amount on monday frm th lunch crowd.notice tht everytime if i take a nap durin th mornin business wuld be gd.sounds pretty stupid though bt yeah.den yeah afternoon took lunch den wen t th kitchen n continued practising holding th wok.gotta say its darn tiring doin tht,really requires ure wrist n finger power.so yeah practiced den do delivery fr th evening crowd den yeah i bak home nw bloggin.
its really damn weird seein my hse so empty,really hv alot of tots tht words cant express.dunno wd t do nw.bt yeah juz thinking n thinking.dunno wd t do actually.ohwells one of th worst thing t happen has oredy been gone.nw gotta wry fr my n lvl results,monetary problems,n yeah finding a job oso.well well juz gotta accept th problems n TRY t take thing into my stride lol.
n yeah stil dunno y i can think of her.do i really like her tht much or wd?its really really damn dumb,noeing tht it wont work out bt stil i like her darn lot.its fuckin stupid la.haiz i really dunno la its damn brain pasa siao la.gotta really think it out properly.everyday try n tel myself t get over it bt cant seem t achieve tht.i tink tht im like maybe crazy? over her.aiyo.dunno wd t say oso la.
alrites i shall stop here fr today once again.

-ciaoboats=))

2006-11-15T00:25:00.001+08:00

NOV 14th

so fast time passes n today is nov 14th.which means tis is th day tht almost all of my hse furniture has been taken away by th bank.things tht werent supposed t be taken away was also taken away.th tv n washing machine,th bank fuck care anyhow take den yeah juz took it.so yeah my broinlaw had t spend 800 dollars buyin it bak.he was supposed t go t th court fr some hearing bt den th wasnt any letter.so yeah it must be my fucking fucked up father who threw his letters away.really wonder why th fuck he did tht.oredy nt helping out much at th stall n causing all th unecessary problems fr tis family why must he do tis kind of things?culdnt take it n wen t th bak n cried.felt really sry t th whole family tht MY FATHER must do all these things.wanted t juz end his life n end all our miseries den.its really tiring n sad t see my family in tis state.its really damn fuckin sian t see tis damn fuckin sian.haaaaaaaaaaaaaaiz.sian1/2.

ok lets get on wif my life th past 2 days.monday was hell of a good business in th afternoon,earned like 550,so yeah tot income fr th day wuld be gd bt den phaap at nite damn little ppl.hahah ohwells.so yeah afternoon continued t learn hw t cook,nw juz learning th basics like holding th wok n stuff.damn tiring la bt dun mind learning it as i anws i hv too much free time there. so yeah wen home bathed den went online check mails,frenster n blog.den talked t jia fr a while den phaap go sleep.

den today did th same thing bt business was bad.didnt hv much customers although there were two stalls tht werent open.so well basically did th same thing practiced holding th wok n stuff.so yeah end of th day we juz broke even n yeah went home.on th way home i was thinkin hw my hse wil look like after th furniture is gone.tot n tot n yeah finally reached home.reached home my hse looked damn empty,was really damn sad n yeah got alot of things tht i wanted t say bt kept it t myself.had alot of tots wen i juz reached home.had alot alot of thoughts.really damn tired nw,hope tht luck wuld change fr th better nw onwards.so yeah nw bloggin here.dunno wd t do.wished tht i culd do many things i wanted bt den yeah.haiz.

ok i shall stop here fr today.

-ciaoboats

2006-11-15T00:25:00.000+08:00

NOV 14th

2006-11-11T19:19:00.000+08:00

Cam is hot.

Cam is awesome.

Cam rocks my socks.

Cam is sexy.

I LOVE CAM!!

2006-11-09T23:48:00.000+08:00

ni hao!

yeah hellos today was quite a okay day.business was so-so juz made enough t cover up costs which is nt tht good.so yeah these few days been tokin cock wif th chefs durin our break.their quite funny.damn nice ppl.talk t them fr quite a while n found out a little abt their background.so yeah tot i learnin hw t cook frm them.quite interested bt i noe it'll be tough cuz th wok is mother heavy bodoh.hahah well they are th experienced ones so yeah learn frm them a little here n there wuld be good.

so yeah basically thts my day today helpin out at mom's stall gettin th usual scolding frm her n tokin wif th chefs.

ermmm i oso dunno wd t write oredy cuz dun really wna go t th slightest detail of wd i did.

still yeah another day has passed n tmr's friday.didnt actually realise tht today was thurs.so yeah as days go by many things are goin t happen,confiscation of property,redemption of it,havin t work at th expo n th most impt n lvls.well well gotta face all tis shit sooner or later so yeah nth much i can really do nw bt t see n wait fr th results.

hopefully i'll be able t find a job soon.dunno whether i shud go out t work or continue helpin my mom out at th stall.quite a hard decision t make.

many things tht i wish could come thru doesnt though lol.well well its juz life n things cant really go ure way all th time.so yalah.juz gotta push ureself on day by day n hope fr th best bt prepare fr th worst.hahah sounds fuckin contradicting.

so as usual at th stall gt free time she wil juz pop up into my mind n yeah.still quite sian cuz i keep thinkin tht it wuld be possible between us bt noeing tht its nt.another contradicting statement there again.hahah.so dunno wen wil she be off my mind.juz need some time though.bt still yeah i really do like her alot alot n in a way i juz cant get her out of my head.AIYOH.sian sian sian sian sian sian sian sian.wd t do lol.

ok i shall stop here fr today.so yeah seeya all another time.

-zaijian=))

2006-11-09T00:08:00.000+08:00

helloboats!

heheh.cant believe im actually up t post.quite tired nw as i hv a lack of slp fr th past few wks.many problems t face etc.

bt yeah lets start wif monday.wen t town t meet greg,on th way there isaac called n asked whether wna go fishin,was rather surprised bt yeah told him t follow us go marina south t slack.so yeah reached town at 330 wanted t play a game of dota bt greg scolded me as we were late.greg n i wen t th footcourt t meet casey passed him a textbk n a few notes n wen off as isaac had reached.so we wen t meet helmy,yat n jotham.played a few games of dota den they wen t bowl n den we had dinner at some buffet some thingy.although th food wasnt tht fantastic bt stil was quite a gd bargain t eat there.after tht we slacked n yeah each of us headed our own way home.

past 2 days as usual wen t my mom's stall doin th usual stuff.blah blah.business has been constant n thts good bt stil yeah theres stil alot of problems yet t be solved.

so yeah stil hv t worry abt my n lvl results dun really noe whr i wuld really end up i i were t fuck up.dunno whether i shud start t work n do my little part fr tis family or try t achieve a higher education n hv a better job.,family's financial state,lookin fr jobs n stil alot more are stil big problems..at least one of th problems hv been solved,luckily business turned fr th better or else there wuldnt really be any bright side t look forward t.

well i noe tis is goin t be one of th hardest transition period fr my family n especially me.tis period wuld really put me t test n hopefully i wil pull through.no doubt no doubt its goin t be hard bt no matter wd i stil gotta face it.at least things are changing fr th better a little bit fr th moment eh.hahah.

few days back i was browsing thru my photo folder,reminded me of many many fond memories.everytime i look into it,it really reminds me of th bonding n friendship tht i hav wif my frens.though i may say i hate tis person tht is shaunchua bt everytime i look at th photoes it reminds me of th quality time we spent together be it thru bad or good.everytime i say i wan t whack him bt stil in my heart i dun tink i hav heart t even lift tht hand up t hurt him.no doubt we hav drifted apart since we last fell out a few months bak,bt stil i really do cherish tis guy as a fren or rather as a younger brother.his adorable laughs wuld nvr fail t cheer me up.i admit i do regret of some of th things i did t him in th past bt stil i only hav his interests in my heart.i really do nt noe wd has become of him fr th past 2 months bt i hope tht he has really changed fr th better.hope t see him soon though,tried callin his hp bt yeah it was turned off.

another person tht reminds me of fond memories is casey.tis fat bugger no doubt he may be full of his nonsense bt he never fails t be th one there fr me wen i nd some t tok t.both of us hv gone thru thick n thin.few times we had some arguments n yeah at those times i felt tht was th end of our frenship.bt den yeah in th end we stil continued t be really good frens.theres many times tht i was really down he was th only one tht took time out t accompany me n talk t me,likewise vice versa.i do nt noe hw t tank tis guy,really do treat him as a brother although we may nt be related by blood.i really hope tis frenship wuld last til both of us hav graduated frm barker,started our own familys etc.

greg,tis guy ah hahahah i do nt noe wen t start.though we dun really go out together tht often bt stil i oso regard him one of my closest frens.he's sort of th "matured" one in th grp n yeah th one always givin advice.he too was one of th ppl tht is part of tis good memory.hahah i do nt noe wd t say abt him,he may be a idiot most of th times bt wen it comes t serious matters he noes whr t draw th line n make a wise decision.

domtye tis cb hes one irritating fucker.bt stil tis guy is one hell of a fren.though he may be nonsensical bt no matter wd he wuld help u.few times tis guy helped me in alot of things.though he may nt be th type tht can giv u advice stil he can be a very good listener if u nd one.oso dunno hw t tank tis guy.

okay theres too many ppl t write abt bt i shall stop here fr today.bt all in all i wuld really wanna tank all my frens tht hv been there fr me wen i really needed help.
thank u all!

ciaoboats!